no rest for the restless

It is currently 1am here and yes I am wide awake. Well maybe not wide awake, just awake bc of the pain. Its normal to be sore after a shot once the local anesthesia they shoot into ur joint wears off. But man, this hurts so damn bad. Even two of my pain pills didn't work. I thought at least it would knock me out but the pain wins the fight against sleep. Oh well....I still have two full days to lay in bed and rest and still have some hope that it will get better. I miss my babies already. I love how excited they get when nana and poppa show up to get them. U just can't get zak into the car fast enuff and ck could care less about me nemore. She went rite into poppas arms and even followed nana into the bathroom! Speaking of ck, mom asked me where I packed the straight jacket for her!!! I laughed so hard. That kid is just everywhere. U put her down somewhere and literally turn around for a second and she's gone. I've had to have full blown search parties look for her. She's been found under the table,in the bathroom with the door closed, and yes even all the way up the stairs. Whoever designed baby gates def never met kids like mine, oops...I mean justins! Lol! Speaking of justin, I can't wait for him to get home and see how much these kids have changed. Its just gonna blow his mind. And I can't wait for zak to see him, and hold him, and play with him. I don't think he's gonna let him put him down for a long while. Ck is gonna take some time bc even tho she knows his picture, she really doesn't know him. And she's very skiddish around men except her poppa...but justin looks so much like his dad, that she mite not even notice much of a diffewrence. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Either way I'm sure it will be a huge adjustment for the entire family. I did speak to him today for the first time in 2 days. I know it may not seem like a long time but I got used to talking to him everday even just online. And when that's all of a sudden taken away, its extremely hard...no matter how well uve prepared for it. He sounds good tho, tired but good. Very positive and very excited bc he knows his time is almost done. About 2 and a half weeks left of operations for him, possibly sooner but its all up in the air. He is just ecstatic. He sent home a bday present for ck today. Its her first baby doll and u can draw on her and wash her and do it all again. I told him he was so sweet but he shouldve just got her a truck or sumthin bc she's only into the boy toys! Lol! And he actually told me he thought about that!!! I also told him that zak will proly play with that doll, only bc its caycee's and he has to steal everything from her. So his response was to throw that doll away if zak ever played with it! I laughed so hard. I may be wrong but I personally don't see nething wrong with lil boys playing with dolls, to an extent that is. I think its how they learn about sensitivity, and nurturing, and all that. And I think its really cute too. So between me and u, I refuse to throw anything out that's from daddy and if he doesn't like it, he can get rid of it when he gets home. He can be the bad guy for once! Lol! On another note, my sister is really struggling with life right now and I am totally helpess. There is not a thing I can do for her and I feel like that's my job, it always has been. I know things that no one else on earth knows about rite now and its killin me bc I am carrying her secrets with no one to vent to. But a promise is a promise and I would never hurt my sister, ever. I can only hope and pray that she will work everything out and take care of herself and that beautiful big baby! On a worry note, mom got some disturbing news from her mammogram...some kind of nodules were found so off to a breast specialist she goes. There's no family history of breast cancer but doesn't mean there's no chance. She is extremely freaked out and so am I but rite now, she needs me to be strong for her and I will put everything that's happened aside, and hold her hand the entire way. She drives me nuts and I don't understand a lot of wha she does and says but she has molded me into the person and mother I am today and I could never thank her enuff. I guess I can't worry bc I can't even imagine sumthin happening to her. No matter what, she is my mother...she brought me into this world, sat by my bedside nite after nite being told I was going to die, went to work fulltime after my dad left to keep us taken care of, and so much more. She is my hero and always will be. She is so strong and to think of her any other way just riPs me apart. I haven't told anyone this, not even justin. Was afraid to say it out loud bc I thought I'd break. So writing this has helped actually. I just don't get why all these bad things keep happenin to good people? Ugh, just please keep the prayers coming. I know I ask for a lot but my family is goin thru a lot lately and I know deep down its all for a reason. Now that I have thosew crocodile tears running down, its time for me to turn the tv off and do what I do best, cry myself to sleep. Goodnite my babies, mommy loves u.

just another day

well i have had no kids for a little over 24 hours now and i do miss them like crazy. its a really weird feeling when you are around the little guys everyday, every hour, every second and then they arent there. its like i am lost. i should be going out with my friends and enjoying my time but instead, i clean diaper genies, go grocery shopping, and do all the little things that are so much easier wihtout two lil ones hanging on my leg! it is nice to relax tho. i only wish i was able todo that comfortably. the past three days or so, i have been in severe pain...just the worst pain i have ever dealt with. they say god doesnt give you more than u can handle, well, come on...cut me a break here. i felt pretty decent after that last shot in may...but the last few weeks, the pain is just progressing and im not sure why. it just hurts all the damn time. it never used to hurt when i laid in bed. it was my only relief but i cant sleep at all. every way i turn, it just throbs. the best way to describe it is like a constant earache in my hip, if that makes any sense. so i called the doctor today and they said there isnt anything else they can do and told me to call the pain clinic bc they specialize in my kind of pain. but of course i got their answering machine and no word back yet so we will see. and bc i have a great hmo, id have to get referrals before i can see them so i probably wont even get in there for two weeks. and then there is trying to find the time to get the shot or whatever they want to try now, and then the babysitters to watch the kids for 2 days while i recover. i just dont know what to do anymore, i really dont. the only permanent option is having the surgery but then i am giving up having anymore kids and i just cant do that. im just not at that point yet. i keep telling myself that i will wake up one day and it will just magically feel better but im still waiting. i guess i can keep hoping. maybe once justin gets home, ill be too happy to even feel the pain! i know my heart will feel better at least!
on the home front....ah, what can i say? had the police over today. nothing big, just an information report but who knows.....did a certain someone break a strangers window or are they inncoent like they claim??? god only knows. all i know that someone came to our door with broken glass and wanted payment for it and wiht my luck, my truck will take the retaliation. somehow someway, its just my luck...but we will see. it was nice seeing the cop tho, hadnt seen him in awhile. we also have a little rat family living somewhere in the backyard. they are so nasty! john decided to try to smoke them out with these little colored smoke bombs but they didnt work. so they put poison out so hopefully they will be gone in the morning. they are brave little things tho, they just come right out and like taunt us! ugh! as long as they dont find there where into the house, i dont care.
on a positive note, i got to talk to justin today on the internet. not very long, but ill take what i can get. he isnt doing much this week, only busy work and chore like things. he isnt happy but i sure am....i like when i know hes not doing anything. selfish on my part but i wish he could do nothing for the next 29 days. and yes i said 29 days....thats when his operations are suppsed to stop around. so 30 more nights of praying and trying not to worry as i fall asleep. its not that i dont like when hes gone but you can say i have adjusted. i am used to him being gone. i just dont like worrying about his safety. thats the worst part about all of this. but it was good to talk to him. said he wouldnt be calling this week bc of how busy they are, and their lack of sleep but he sounded pretty upbeat on the internet. talked about the house, and all we have to do, the kids, the homecoming, just kept skipping aruond all over the place. thats how i know he is in a good mood, he just jumps around from one thing to the next. god i love that man!