no rest for the restless

It is currently 1am here and yes I am wide awake. Well maybe not wide awake, just awake bc of the pain. Its normal to be sore after a shot once the local anesthesia they shoot into ur joint wears off. But man, this hurts so damn bad. Even two of my pain pills didn't work. I thought at least it would knock me out but the pain wins the fight against sleep. Oh well....I still have two full days to lay in bed and rest and still have some hope that it will get better. I miss my babies already. I love how excited they get when nana and poppa show up to get them. U just can't get zak into the car fast enuff and ck could care less about me nemore. She went rite into poppas arms and even followed nana into the bathroom! Speaking of ck, mom asked me where I packed the straight jacket for her!!! I laughed so hard. That kid is just everywhere. U put her down somewhere and literally turn around for a second and she's gone. I've had to have full blown search parties look for her. She's been found under the table,in the bathroom with the door closed, and yes even all the way up the stairs. Whoever designed baby gates def never met kids like mine, oops...I mean justins! Lol! Speaking of justin, I can't wait for him to get home and see how much these kids have changed. Its just gonna blow his mind. And I can't wait for zak to see him, and hold him, and play with him. I don't think he's gonna let him put him down for a long while. Ck is gonna take some time bc even tho she knows his picture, she really doesn't know him. And she's very skiddish around men except her poppa...but justin looks so much like his dad, that she mite not even notice much of a diffewrence. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Either way I'm sure it will be a huge adjustment for the entire family. I did speak to him today for the first time in 2 days. I know it may not seem like a long time but I got used to talking to him everday even just online. And when that's all of a sudden taken away, its extremely hard...no matter how well uve prepared for it. He sounds good tho, tired but good. Very positive and very excited bc he knows his time is almost done. About 2 and a half weeks left of operations for him, possibly sooner but its all up in the air. He is just ecstatic. He sent home a bday present for ck today. Its her first baby doll and u can draw on her and wash her and do it all again. I told him he was so sweet but he shouldve just got her a truck or sumthin bc she's only into the boy toys! Lol! And he actually told me he thought about that!!! I also told him that zak will proly play with that doll, only bc its caycee's and he has to steal everything from her. So his response was to throw that doll away if zak ever played with it! I laughed so hard. I may be wrong but I personally don't see nething wrong with lil boys playing with dolls, to an extent that is. I think its how they learn about sensitivity, and nurturing, and all that. And I think its really cute too. So between me and u, I refuse to throw anything out that's from daddy and if he doesn't like it, he can get rid of it when he gets home. He can be the bad guy for once! Lol! On another note, my sister is really struggling with life right now and I am totally helpess. There is not a thing I can do for her and I feel like that's my job, it always has been. I know things that no one else on earth knows about rite now and its killin me bc I am carrying her secrets with no one to vent to. But a promise is a promise and I would never hurt my sister, ever. I can only hope and pray that she will work everything out and take care of herself and that beautiful big baby! On a worry note, mom got some disturbing news from her mammogram...some kind of nodules were found so off to a breast specialist she goes. There's no family history of breast cancer but doesn't mean there's no chance. She is extremely freaked out and so am I but rite now, she needs me to be strong for her and I will put everything that's happened aside, and hold her hand the entire way. She drives me nuts and I don't understand a lot of wha she does and says but she has molded me into the person and mother I am today and I could never thank her enuff. I guess I can't worry bc I can't even imagine sumthin happening to her. No matter what, she is my mother...she brought me into this world, sat by my bedside nite after nite being told I was going to die, went to work fulltime after my dad left to keep us taken care of, and so much more. She is my hero and always will be. She is so strong and to think of her any other way just riPs me apart. I haven't told anyone this, not even justin. Was afraid to say it out loud bc I thought I'd break. So writing this has helped actually. I just don't get why all these bad things keep happenin to good people? Ugh, just please keep the prayers coming. I know I ask for a lot but my family is goin thru a lot lately and I know deep down its all for a reason. Now that I have thosew crocodile tears running down, its time for me to turn the tv off and do what I do best, cry myself to sleep. Goodnite my babies, mommy loves u.

im feeling much better

so i finally got a pain medicine that seems to work for me. it doesnt kill the pain and i dont think anything will at this point, but that constant ache i have had for months seems to not be as strong after i take this magic little pill. i almost feel like a different person! its like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders and even my mood improved today! tuesday will be my final cortizone shot for the year and i am praying to god that this one works. is that too much to ask??!!!??? so, everyone pray for me please! other than that, took a nice nap with my baby girl today and ate almost 5 popsicles with zak....he loves his pop sic lis.....he says it sooo slow! lol! now they are peacefully sleeping and im heading that way...i should sleep good tonight with a little less pain that i am used to.

pics

ahhh

well the past few days were so much fun. i took the kids to a parade and two fireworks displays. they were so good. zak tried to run out and get daddy as soldiers marched in the street and threw a huge fit when i told him he wasnt there. it just doesnt get any easier...its actually harder as he gets older. he wasnt too into the fireworks tho, but caycee was amazed. laughing and pointing and oohing and aahing....so cute! we sat on the porch last nite, just the three of us and watched some. caycee stood next to me and laid her little head on my thing and just stared into the sky. i watched the fireworks in the reflection of her eyes and they were the most beautiful fireworks i have ever seen. they say when u have a daughter, u find the hand you will be holding the day you die....and i truly believe that. i love that little baby on a level that i never thought possible. it kills me bc she wasnt planned and there were even times i said i didnt want her when i was pregnant. i had a lot of negative feelings about the pregnancy bc of what was going on at the time and i will feel guilty about that forever. she is just amazing and i cant imagine life without her. and theres my little man.....people ask me how i even miss justin with zak around....bc he is identical to him. and i just realized how right they are. when he wraps his little arms around my neck, its like its just me and him in our own little world. over the past 8 months or so, he has dried my tears, made me laugh, giving me hugs and kisses, played with my hair, fought with me, made me mad, tested my patience, and taught me new things everyday...all things his father has done for me in the 4 years we have been together. so this perfect little boy stepped up and became more like his father than anyone even knows. a lot of pressure to put on a little guy? but i will forever be indebted to my son bc without him, this whole thing would have been a hell of a lot harder to get through. so our holiday was good. it was hard not having justin here....especially seeing dads holding their kids up on their shoulders and all that. but i sent him every picture i took, including fireworks, so he could see a few too....next year will be great im sure.

I got into a huge fight tonite with my stepdad. he felt the need to intrude into a conversation that he wasnt even in and started ranting and raving about the war and his feelings on it. i wont go into details but lets just say, it wasnt very supporting. and obviously with just being over there, i didnt take it lightly. just like at the parade, a group of people with their faces covered and holding anti war signs were in the parade. i almost threw up.....i understand freedom of speech and all that but how do i let that not bother me when my husband is over there fighting to give them that same right? and all these people are free to run their mouths when they arent over there and never had the courage to even sign up! ah, im just so incredibly tired of it. i may not completely agree with the war or bush for that matter, but i know what my husband is doing and why he is doing it and i support him and the rest of our military for doing that. and if people cant understand that or want to protest that, then i dont need those people in my life, or anyone associated with them for that matter. as much as it kills me, i see some relationships coming to an end in my life and it hurts. but a person can only take so much and i am at my breaking point let me tell ya.

on a happier note for today, my baby is walking. not consistently yet but shes trying more and more. shes definetaly standing more tho and once she figures out the concept, i am in big trouble! she will be a year on the 24th so i guess i cant really call her a baby nemore. its just sad, shes growing up way too fast! but i did forget how cute they are when they are trying to walk....and i had to remember to let her fall once in awhile. definetaly gotta get used to that one, cant protect her her whole life. well its off to bed to forget another day and start another. one day closer to him getting home and making everything good again.

kids are back

today was an okay day. i didnt sleep well last night but once i fell asleep, i slept until 10am...first time ive done that since before the kids i think. lol. so i basically did a whole lot of nothing until the kids got home. i did have a good conversation with justin today. not very long but good nonetheless. he is hearing that he may be back to the safe area within the next three weeks and i am praying to god that happens. so please, everyone pray! so the kids came home around 5pm and poor zak just wasnt awake yet. he didnt wake up for quite some time actually. he just kinda moped around here like something was wrong and i still dont know what was going on. but i offered to make him a hotdog, or a "dodo" as he calls it and that woke him up. he actually ate two of them! guess he was just starving! so then i took them for a walk in the wagon which i hadnt done yet. i was worried that caycee would try to stand up in there but they tried it at grammas and she didnt. and she didnt with me either. we walked to the park and i let zak play for awhile. caycee gets frustrated because she doesnt want to be held, she wants to be playing like zak but she has to walk to be able to do that. so i let her climb on some things and she seemed satisfied. they sat side by side swinging on the swings for almost 20 minutes, just laughing away. they are so cute!

i also talked to the pain clinic today who i guess is taking over my case right now and of course, i cant get in there until the 10th....so now i have 9 days left to deal with this pain. but something didnt sound right when i called, the front desk woman said that they added this to my chart recently...."L4 L5 herniated disk, spondylosis, and ddd (degenerative disk disease). this is the first i had ever heard of any of this and no one ever told me a think about it. i knew i had some disk bulging but nothing like this. and it doesnt make sense bc i have no back pain whatsoever, just severe hip pain. and i didnt ask the woman bc i was just trying to make sense of it in my head and now that i cant im gonna have to call them back tomorrow and figure this out. its just the last thing i need, back surgery is just a terrible surgery to get over and especially if ur adding it to hip surgery...i just cant believe this, i am only 25!!!! everyone is constantly laughing at me when i tell them these things and while i understand, it drives me crazy. i wouldnt joke about this stuff and i cant tell you how bad i wish my body was my age! i guess if thats the only price i pay for being 3 born 3 months early, than i can deal wtih it. i only had a 50% chance of survival and was expected to have brain damage and disabilities and i have none of that....so in a way, i am very lucky. but thats enough complaining for tonite, heres some pics of the park...