piggy back rides and block houses

didnt post the last few days...just been so tired lately by the time the kids go to bed. they seem to get more exhausting the bigger they get! lol! the last few days were a lot of fun with them. everyday is something new. zak seems to be finding new words and sentences every single day. he wakes caycee up in the morning saying "good morning sweet- heart." probably the cutest thing i have ever heard! we have been watching a lot of the show wonderpets on nickelodeon. if you havent seen it, its about a guinea pig, a duckling, and a turtle who save other animals when they are in trouble. well now he hangs over the side of the couch and says "save me mommy, save me like the wonderpets." hahaha so damn cute. hmmm what else? lately hes been asking me to do alot of thngs with him. like the other day, he randomly came up to me and said, "dance with me mommy." and he started dancing in the middle of the floor, without any music on even. so funny. and now we have blocks and he brings them to me and says "build with me mommy." its gotten to the point that i will drop whatever i am doing when he asks me things like that. its just too cute and i know there will come a point in time where he wont want me to do anything with him at all. so i am enjoying every second. like tonite, i spent an hour building and rebuilding a house for his "daddy guy"....who also had a mommy and a daddy. i kept rebuilding it because caycee kept breaking it down and laughing. zak wasnt too thrilled with her let me tell ya

and then theres caycee...she is a holy terror. but the cutest terror ive ever seen. shes catching on to so much and trying so many new words. she understands things and nods her head for yes and no.

justin has been back to work and the kids have been missing him. they ask for him alot while he is gone and are so excited to see him in the morning. zak has been crying lately when he leaves and always asks him to stay home with him. if that were me, id be calling in sick everyday! good thing he has more will power than i do or we would be broke! so when he was home the other day, he played a lot with them. he built some block towers and pyramids and gave them some piggy back rides. zak did fine but caycee didnt understand what holding on meant and boom, she went down, a few times. it brought back memories when my two sisters, brother, and i used to ride around on my dads back way back when. and of course, someone always fell off and bumped a head or bit a tongue. i couldnt help but smile watching them. they mean the world to me.

and finally, my sister and brother will be home in less than a month. i am so excited. this will be the first time we have all been together for any length of time in i cant even tell you how long. they have both been going thru some person stuff and just need some normalcy back at home. and i get to see my nephew again!!! i cannot wait! thats it for tonight tho, gotta finish some laundry.

spaghetti nite!

tonite we had spaghetti for dinner (hence the title of this blog). it was just me and the kids since justin is at work so i figured an easy spaghetti dinner would be no big deal. haha i was so wrong. i dont know why i punish myself everytime but its always a disaster and yet, i keep making it. spaghetti night plus 2 toddlers always equals shirtless kids at the table, a washed floor, and immediate bath! but they love it so i love it. caycee was just a wreck, more so than usual. i sat her in the kitchen sink and cleaned her off as best i could. although i wasnt fast enough, and she grabbed my light blue shirt with her nice sauce filled hands and now i am praying that stain comes out! i even found a few noodles in her diaper (dont ask)!

speaking of caycee, she said another word today. the bag of halloween candy is on the counter in plain sight and the kids know what is inside. i keep telling myself to throw that crap out everyday but of course, i dont remember until they are asking for some. so of course before breakfast, zak is asking to eat candy. i say no, at least not until after you eat breakfast. so breakfast comes and goes and as soon as i get the table cleared, i want canny momma. so i say no, not right now. this is followed with at least a half hour of crying, whining, temper tantruming on the floor, and ended with a please momma. wow kid, you almost got me. i held my ground and still said, no not right now. but i said please momma...but i said please.....ugh. now how do u explain to the little guy that just because he said please, doesnt mean he still gets everything he is asking for? i dont have a clue and i wasnt about to try so i just walked away towards the kitchen knowing he would be following me. yes, i was goin to give in....i walk into the kitchen and i see caycee sitting under the counter where the candy bag is. just sitting there, smiling, like she knew i was coming over there. i ignored her and went the other way and heard her little footsteps followed by zaks pounding steps coming after me. he says please momma, please....and then i hear caycee say, please! it sounded more like peeeezzzeee...but wiht a huge smile and i knew exactly what she was trying to get out. ugh, i was done for. not only did she say a new word but she used it in the right context.....so of course they got their candy and caycee now knows how to melt me....and no, justin wasnt too happy with me!

content

So I haven't written nething in what seems like ages. Yes I have been busy with quite a few things happening in the past few months but that wasn't why I didn't write. I just couldn't drag myself away from my husband long enough to do anything alone. For whatever reason, it felt like he was on leave and had to go back within a few days. Even now that he is back to work, I still feel like that once in awhile. The move was great, the house is great...I am just still adjusting. I am not used to the country living. My old house backed up to harlem ave, I fell asleep listening to trucks and horns and crazy people in the apartments rite behind us. And now, I hear nothing. Nada. Except for every tiny and not so tiny creak this new house makes which makes for looong nites and many trips downstairs to make sure no one is breaking in. We have been here two months, when will the madness stop?! We have recently become professional mice killers. It started with one I found in my pantry and after a call to justin at work not resulting in him coming home to catch it, I had to wait. We set up a trap and got him in less than 24hrs. Then I saw another one, and was told I was crazy. But the trap went back up and we have caught 6 as of today. I believe I heard more tonite so we will see. Did I mention I hate hate hate mice?! I am also tryin to potty train a lazy 2 and a half year old. He will tell me after he's gone, "joe got lots of poo poo mama. Change me." He will even get the diaper and wipes for me. So he does all that yet is too lazy to go sit on the potty and do it himself! Can u say a little bit of daddy is in him?! Lol! He is also wanting to do everything himself. I can do it, I wanna do it. Let me do it. Its amazing to see him develop like that but almost a little devastating to my ego.like wait, I used to do that for u. And that. And that. At least I still have one more who needs me. Although she follows her brothers lead and tries everything he does. Including jumping over our couch, falls everytime but keeps doin it. She also found a new hiding spot inside the cabinets and I really can't find her sometimes. And for some odd reason, she is obsessed with climbin in the dishwasher. She's starting to form words and nods her head, and is starrting to understand more each day. But zak is her life and I am only needed when she is hungry, which thankfully is 99 percent of the time. Number 3 is in the works and I cannot wait. I cannot wait to put a kid down somewhere and have it sit still! Lol! All in all, everythings good. Kids are good. Justins good. House is good. Life is good. Haven't been able to say that for a long time!

hes really coming home

thank you lord for being my husband home safe and sound. well not home to me yet, but at least he is back in the united states. we actually slept in the same country or as i heard it last nite, the same continent for the first time in almost a year! thats crazy! hes called me quite a few times and mostly its to talk about nothing but i love it. i get so excited just seeing his name on my phone! and now i am waiting for him to get back to his barracks and set up his webcam so i can see him before i go to sleep. ah i cant wait! and in another few days, we will be going to sleep together and i can wake up and see his face everyday for the rest of our lives! i cant believe this is almost really over. hope the next few days just fly by!!!!

yay

Well today started off pretty bad. I was in a lot of pain and still feeling groggy from the pain pill I took last nite when the kids woke up earlier than usual. I'm usually showered and ready to go before they wake up but I was dragging this morning. I found two miserable, crusted nose kids wanting to get outta bed. I was thrilled. We still didn't do too much today. They had more energy than they did yesterday but they definetaly weren't feeling any better. So we hung out and took occaional trips out in the backyard but that's about it. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same. So I put them down for their nap when justin imed me on my phone bc his phones were down. We talked for awhile before he told me that his computer had a webcam and I could try and set mine up if I wanted to, DUH!!!! My webcam sucks and its so frustrating but I figured the frustration would be worth it even if I saw him once. When I first saw his face, I cried like a baby for a good five minutes. Its crazy. I haven't even seen a new picture of him in months and to see him live and moving and talking to me, extremely emotional to say the least. His first words to me were, "good god you are beautiful." Here I am fresh outta the shower, hair thrown up in a ponytail, and eyes red from crying and he still thinks I'm beautiful. He just amazes me. Never heard that from a guy before until I met him and whether he truly means it or not, I actually feel beautiful when I'm around him. And he looked beautiful to me (just don't ever let him know I said that). But he did, looked exactly the same as he did when he left, except a few pounds lighter and his hair is a little longer, thank god. But his eyes still sparkle and that smile....god. And it's also funny bc I was reminded of how much zakary looks like him. I mean, its not that I forgot but geez. Facial expressions and all, kind of blew me away. I was bummed that the kids were asleep bc I'm sure zak wouldve loved to see daddy but it gave us some time to talk without being interrupted so I was thankful for that. We had a good hour together but I can't really even tell u what we talked about. I just stared at him and mindlessly typed I guess. He was listening to us99 and told me to put it on right away. It was "home" by dierks bentley and if u have heard it, ud know what the significance is. If u haven't, I suggest u find it right now and have the kleenex ready. But it was just a crazy coincidence that it would come on at that moment. And saying goodbye sucked, just sucked. Sounds incredibly stupid knowing that he will be home in 9 DAYS now but ugh, I cried, he cried, and we both hesitated shutting our computers down. Its strange. Here is the one person u love more than anything on a screen for the first time in months and sayin goodbye should be nuthin compared to what we've done already. But it was like holding onto something that just tore us both up to let go of. Probably doesn't make sense huh? Anyways once I cried a lil bit more to the one person who has been my savior thru all of this, I was much better and my day was much better. Kids got up, barely ate dinner as usual, played a little in the cozy coupe cars, took a bath and went to bed. Zak proceeded to tell me that my bed is zak and daddys bed now. He patted the pillow closest to the wall and sed "dadda's". And then he sed his was the other one. So I asked him where I was supposed to sleep and he said,"I dunno, there"....pointing to his and caycees room. Funny little thing! And poor caycee was running a pretty good fever when I put her to bed. Laid right down without so much as a whimper, not like her at all. Ever since her bout with rsv, the doctor said she might take colds a lot harder than average and she has a better chance of getting of pnuemonia so I'm really watching her good. Hopefully they'll be better by friday and hopefully I don't feel like they do on friday. Keep ur fingers crossed. Well time for bed, close to 9 days now!!!

wow

Well we are officially almost at the ten day mark! I guess it is finally beginning to sink in. I am most looking forward to him just getting back to california so I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Just knowing that he is safe will be the biggest weight lifted off of my shoulders. And that should be happening by the weekend so I will actually, for the first time in months, be able to fully enjoy a weekend with the kids. We are heading to the inlaws for a fair with something called bed races. I've seen something about them on tv but never in person. I never thought anybody really did them. Needless to say, it should be quite entertaining. Although I'm hoping zak doesn't assume that all beds move like that and that he wants to race in his now!!! It should be a good time tho. I haven't spent much time there since justin left. Its just very hard to be around his family in their surroundings without him there. Even the drive down there was hard the first time I did it without him. But like I said, this weekend I will be carefree and will have fun with my kids and my parents. That is if the kids are feeling better by then. Having sick kids is one of the worst part of being a mom. I just feel so helpless. Zak is just miserable but he doesn't complain. He's sneezing and coughing and basically laid around all day watching tv. Didn't eat much but a pretzel or two. His nose is running constantly and being a typical boy, he doesn't need kleenex. Just uses his shirt or his hand. Pretty funny considering I definetaly didn't teach him that one. I think boys just have it in their genes to be gross like that!!! And my little girl wasn't too bothered by her cold earlier but as the day went on....ugh. She's a typical girl, whiny and crabby and moody. She hasn't really been sick since she got rsv when she was a baby so I haven't seen her in action, so to speak. At one point during our movie watching, she climbed right up on my chest and passed out, just like she used to when she was a baby. I didn't want to put her down but the poor thing had a fever and was just dripping sweat. Not to mention zak then wanted to "seep on mama" too so they both ended up in their own beds for a FOUR hour nap! Then auntie jamie sent caycees birthday present, a pink cozy coupe car. So I put it together with a screwdriver and hammer and my lil man helped me with his tools. He was so cute. Everytime I hammered something he had to do it too, in the exact same spot. I can't wait to watch him build things with his daddy. So I thought this new car would fix all of the fighting they do over zaks cozy coupe. Oh man was I wrong. Now they both want to be in the new one bc the horn plays a song, unlike the one zak has. He sits in it and gets mad when she wants to get in there. And I feel so bad for her bc she just gets this look on her face and sometimes she just gives up and walks away but other times, she screeches and hits him. Ha I never know what to do about that. On one hand I yell at her for hitting but on the other, I can't say I blame her. He takes everything she has and only when she wants it. Its gotta be so frustrating for her. Oh well, guess she's just figuring out early that life isn't fair. They both went to bed around 830 so hopefully they'll be feeling better in the morning. My sister also woke up with whatver they have today so I'm just praying I can avoid this one. Although I don't think my chances are that good...between the snots that were wiped all over me and all the open mouth wet kisses I was given, I think its highly unlikely that ill miss this one. Oh well, that's life. I think I could be deathly ill and it still wouldn't take away the happiness I will feel in ten days! Wow, its crazy to even be able to write that, TEN DAYS!!! Well I guess I should try and get some sleep, gotta rest to avoid the ebola virus (that's what justin calls it when the kids get sick)! Haha

ha

Well all I can do is laugh tonite. I have to bc if I don't, I mite lose it. This nite was ridiculous. We were given different info on justins homecoming than other people received so I attempted to find out what was going on and voiced my opinions on the person we got the info from. I was told, in sort of a condescending way, that nothing will be done and possibly at a later date we can work something out. And that I shouldn't take it personal bc this person really is a good guy, u just have to get to know him. And be patient....that's all I heard over and over. And I am patient, it has nothing to do with that. I'm patient but I'm mad as hell too. I felt like we weren't informed at all bc we weren't present at the time the info was given out. There is one person who is amazing and a wonderful woman who is there for me whenever I need anything. She asks how I am doing on a daily basis, asks about the kids all the time, just a genuine person who doesn't treat u like an email address. She gets to know you so I've gone to her with things in the past that she took care of right away. Well now I'm being told that I shouldn't be contacting her anyways. What the hell? Is there really that strict of regulations that I can only go to one or two specific people in this marine corps "family"? Ya know, the say we are all a family and in this together but I don't feel any type of family anything right now. So I have decided to sit back and wait. I won't believe he is home until he is holding me. That's it. And I also will no longer be going to anyone involved in this for anything, unless it is incredibly necessary. I'm done with these people, I'm done with this deployment. I can't wait for him to get home so we can close this chapter and start living happily ever after.

emotions

Well I'm back again. Been busy and tired and blah the past few weeks. Just making excuses I guess. Just watched the movie stop loss and I see why I've been told not to watch it. Especially when ur husbands in iraq. The beginning was a lot of fighting and soldiers dying and all that but I handled that well. I guess its bc he's "technically" done now so its not as hard for me to see. Although I can never see images of the folding of a flag after a funeral without bawling like a baby. What got me was the scenes of the homecoming and the departure to iraq (it was done backwards). It took me back to hands down the worst day of my existence, the day I watched that bus drive away. Just typing those words gets to me. That was the moment that I learned that my heart could still beat even after my breath stopped. Everything around me just ceased. I didn't see the crowd of people crying or waving flags, I didn't see my baby crying bc daddy was gone, I didn't hear a sound...it was like my body and mind just shut down. I felt like I was dying. All because of one person, one person leaving me. I was very lucky in that I got to see him a few times after that in cali before he shipped out. But the last time I saw him will forever be eteched in my memory. I could tell u exactly what we did that day, what we ate, what rental car we drove, what he wore, what he smelled like..everything but what he said to me while I was in his arms the last time. Again, I shut down. Didn't hear a sound. Just melted into his arms and prayed to god that he would be back to hold me again. I watched him drive away and collapsed on the ground. Just collapsed like u see in the movies. I was half expecting him to come back and pick me up like he always did but after an hour, I relized he was gone. So I picked myself up for the first time in almost 5 years and continued to do so these past 8 months. And I learned to do that becuase of him. That man has taught me more in the years we have been together than I have learned my entire life. And he taught me about myself even while he's been gone. Even more of a reason to love him I guess. And as hard as this has been, I don't think I'd go back and do it any different. I've made relationships with people that I might not have otherwise, ended some relationships, learned to stand on my own two feet, got an amazing house, and most of all I learned how to appreciate someone and to never take them for granted. Which brings me to the homecoming. As it gets closer, a million new things enter my mind. What will I wear? How will I react when I see him? Jump on him? Freeze? I mean, when he graduated boot camp I didn't find him in the crowd for a good 5 minutes...will that happen again? How long do I hold him? I mean, crazy things that u shouldn't have to think about when it comes to ur husband. And then there's the kids...how will he react when he sees them? How will they react? What do I do when he tries to discipline them and they don't listen? Or how do I handle it when zak doesn't want him to touch me? And then that first nite, how do I go to sleep without the fear of him not being there when I wake up? How do I know I won't be dreaming? The whole thing is just crazy. This deployment brings out things u never even knew u had. The lows are the lowest u can imagine and yet the highs are, ah...indescribable. All I know is that I cannot wait to wrap my arms around that man and never let go. He is my hero and forever will be. Let the countdown begin!!!

no rest for the restless

It is currently 1am here and yes I am wide awake. Well maybe not wide awake, just awake bc of the pain. Its normal to be sore after a shot once the local anesthesia they shoot into ur joint wears off. But man, this hurts so damn bad. Even two of my pain pills didn't work. I thought at least it would knock me out but the pain wins the fight against sleep. Oh well....I still have two full days to lay in bed and rest and still have some hope that it will get better. I miss my babies already. I love how excited they get when nana and poppa show up to get them. U just can't get zak into the car fast enuff and ck could care less about me nemore. She went rite into poppas arms and even followed nana into the bathroom! Speaking of ck, mom asked me where I packed the straight jacket for her!!! I laughed so hard. That kid is just everywhere. U put her down somewhere and literally turn around for a second and she's gone. I've had to have full blown search parties look for her. She's been found under the table,in the bathroom with the door closed, and yes even all the way up the stairs. Whoever designed baby gates def never met kids like mine, oops...I mean justins! Lol! Speaking of justin, I can't wait for him to get home and see how much these kids have changed. Its just gonna blow his mind. And I can't wait for zak to see him, and hold him, and play with him. I don't think he's gonna let him put him down for a long while. Ck is gonna take some time bc even tho she knows his picture, she really doesn't know him. And she's very skiddish around men except her poppa...but justin looks so much like his dad, that she mite not even notice much of a diffewrence. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Either way I'm sure it will be a huge adjustment for the entire family. I did speak to him today for the first time in 2 days. I know it may not seem like a long time but I got used to talking to him everday even just online. And when that's all of a sudden taken away, its extremely hard...no matter how well uve prepared for it. He sounds good tho, tired but good. Very positive and very excited bc he knows his time is almost done. About 2 and a half weeks left of operations for him, possibly sooner but its all up in the air. He is just ecstatic. He sent home a bday present for ck today. Its her first baby doll and u can draw on her and wash her and do it all again. I told him he was so sweet but he shouldve just got her a truck or sumthin bc she's only into the boy toys! Lol! And he actually told me he thought about that!!! I also told him that zak will proly play with that doll, only bc its caycee's and he has to steal everything from her. So his response was to throw that doll away if zak ever played with it! I laughed so hard. I may be wrong but I personally don't see nething wrong with lil boys playing with dolls, to an extent that is. I think its how they learn about sensitivity, and nurturing, and all that. And I think its really cute too. So between me and u, I refuse to throw anything out that's from daddy and if he doesn't like it, he can get rid of it when he gets home. He can be the bad guy for once! Lol! On another note, my sister is really struggling with life right now and I am totally helpess. There is not a thing I can do for her and I feel like that's my job, it always has been. I know things that no one else on earth knows about rite now and its killin me bc I am carrying her secrets with no one to vent to. But a promise is a promise and I would never hurt my sister, ever. I can only hope and pray that she will work everything out and take care of herself and that beautiful big baby! On a worry note, mom got some disturbing news from her mammogram...some kind of nodules were found so off to a breast specialist she goes. There's no family history of breast cancer but doesn't mean there's no chance. She is extremely freaked out and so am I but rite now, she needs me to be strong for her and I will put everything that's happened aside, and hold her hand the entire way. She drives me nuts and I don't understand a lot of wha she does and says but she has molded me into the person and mother I am today and I could never thank her enuff. I guess I can't worry bc I can't even imagine sumthin happening to her. No matter what, she is my mother...she brought me into this world, sat by my bedside nite after nite being told I was going to die, went to work fulltime after my dad left to keep us taken care of, and so much more. She is my hero and always will be. She is so strong and to think of her any other way just riPs me apart. I haven't told anyone this, not even justin. Was afraid to say it out loud bc I thought I'd break. So writing this has helped actually. I just don't get why all these bad things keep happenin to good people? Ugh, just please keep the prayers coming. I know I ask for a lot but my family is goin thru a lot lately and I know deep down its all for a reason. Now that I have thosew crocodile tears running down, its time for me to turn the tv off and do what I do best, cry myself to sleep. Goodnite my babies, mommy loves u.

im feeling much better

so i finally got a pain medicine that seems to work for me. it doesnt kill the pain and i dont think anything will at this point, but that constant ache i have had for months seems to not be as strong after i take this magic little pill. i almost feel like a different person! its like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders and even my mood improved today! tuesday will be my final cortizone shot for the year and i am praying to god that this one works. is that too much to ask??!!!??? so, everyone pray for me please! other than that, took a nice nap with my baby girl today and ate almost 5 popsicles with zak....he loves his pop sic lis.....he says it sooo slow! lol! now they are peacefully sleeping and im heading that way...i should sleep good tonight with a little less pain that i am used to.

pics

ahhh

well the past few days were so much fun. i took the kids to a parade and two fireworks displays. they were so good. zak tried to run out and get daddy as soldiers marched in the street and threw a huge fit when i told him he wasnt there. it just doesnt get any easier...its actually harder as he gets older. he wasnt too into the fireworks tho, but caycee was amazed. laughing and pointing and oohing and aahing....so cute! we sat on the porch last nite, just the three of us and watched some. caycee stood next to me and laid her little head on my thing and just stared into the sky. i watched the fireworks in the reflection of her eyes and they were the most beautiful fireworks i have ever seen. they say when u have a daughter, u find the hand you will be holding the day you die....and i truly believe that. i love that little baby on a level that i never thought possible. it kills me bc she wasnt planned and there were even times i said i didnt want her when i was pregnant. i had a lot of negative feelings about the pregnancy bc of what was going on at the time and i will feel guilty about that forever. she is just amazing and i cant imagine life without her. and theres my little man.....people ask me how i even miss justin with zak around....bc he is identical to him. and i just realized how right they are. when he wraps his little arms around my neck, its like its just me and him in our own little world. over the past 8 months or so, he has dried my tears, made me laugh, giving me hugs and kisses, played with my hair, fought with me, made me mad, tested my patience, and taught me new things everyday...all things his father has done for me in the 4 years we have been together. so this perfect little boy stepped up and became more like his father than anyone even knows. a lot of pressure to put on a little guy? but i will forever be indebted to my son bc without him, this whole thing would have been a hell of a lot harder to get through. so our holiday was good. it was hard not having justin here....especially seeing dads holding their kids up on their shoulders and all that. but i sent him every picture i took, including fireworks, so he could see a few too....next year will be great im sure.

I got into a huge fight tonite with my stepdad. he felt the need to intrude into a conversation that he wasnt even in and started ranting and raving about the war and his feelings on it. i wont go into details but lets just say, it wasnt very supporting. and obviously with just being over there, i didnt take it lightly. just like at the parade, a group of people with their faces covered and holding anti war signs were in the parade. i almost threw up.....i understand freedom of speech and all that but how do i let that not bother me when my husband is over there fighting to give them that same right? and all these people are free to run their mouths when they arent over there and never had the courage to even sign up! ah, im just so incredibly tired of it. i may not completely agree with the war or bush for that matter, but i know what my husband is doing and why he is doing it and i support him and the rest of our military for doing that. and if people cant understand that or want to protest that, then i dont need those people in my life, or anyone associated with them for that matter. as much as it kills me, i see some relationships coming to an end in my life and it hurts. but a person can only take so much and i am at my breaking point let me tell ya.

on a happier note for today, my baby is walking. not consistently yet but shes trying more and more. shes definetaly standing more tho and once she figures out the concept, i am in big trouble! she will be a year on the 24th so i guess i cant really call her a baby nemore. its just sad, shes growing up way too fast! but i did forget how cute they are when they are trying to walk....and i had to remember to let her fall once in awhile. definetaly gotta get used to that one, cant protect her her whole life. well its off to bed to forget another day and start another. one day closer to him getting home and making everything good again.

kids are back

today was an okay day. i didnt sleep well last night but once i fell asleep, i slept until 10am...first time ive done that since before the kids i think. lol. so i basically did a whole lot of nothing until the kids got home. i did have a good conversation with justin today. not very long but good nonetheless. he is hearing that he may be back to the safe area within the next three weeks and i am praying to god that happens. so please, everyone pray! so the kids came home around 5pm and poor zak just wasnt awake yet. he didnt wake up for quite some time actually. he just kinda moped around here like something was wrong and i still dont know what was going on. but i offered to make him a hotdog, or a "dodo" as he calls it and that woke him up. he actually ate two of them! guess he was just starving! so then i took them for a walk in the wagon which i hadnt done yet. i was worried that caycee would try to stand up in there but they tried it at grammas and she didnt. and she didnt with me either. we walked to the park and i let zak play for awhile. caycee gets frustrated because she doesnt want to be held, she wants to be playing like zak but she has to walk to be able to do that. so i let her climb on some things and she seemed satisfied. they sat side by side swinging on the swings for almost 20 minutes, just laughing away. they are so cute!

i also talked to the pain clinic today who i guess is taking over my case right now and of course, i cant get in there until the 10th....so now i have 9 days left to deal with this pain. but something didnt sound right when i called, the front desk woman said that they added this to my chart recently...."L4 L5 herniated disk, spondylosis, and ddd (degenerative disk disease). this is the first i had ever heard of any of this and no one ever told me a think about it. i knew i had some disk bulging but nothing like this. and it doesnt make sense bc i have no back pain whatsoever, just severe hip pain. and i didnt ask the woman bc i was just trying to make sense of it in my head and now that i cant im gonna have to call them back tomorrow and figure this out. its just the last thing i need, back surgery is just a terrible surgery to get over and especially if ur adding it to hip surgery...i just cant believe this, i am only 25!!!! everyone is constantly laughing at me when i tell them these things and while i understand, it drives me crazy. i wouldnt joke about this stuff and i cant tell you how bad i wish my body was my age! i guess if thats the only price i pay for being 3 born 3 months early, than i can deal wtih it. i only had a 50% chance of survival and was expected to have brain damage and disabilities and i have none of that....so in a way, i am very lucky. but thats enough complaining for tonite, heres some pics of the park...

just another day

well i have had no kids for a little over 24 hours now and i do miss them like crazy. its a really weird feeling when you are around the little guys everyday, every hour, every second and then they arent there. its like i am lost. i should be going out with my friends and enjoying my time but instead, i clean diaper genies, go grocery shopping, and do all the little things that are so much easier wihtout two lil ones hanging on my leg! it is nice to relax tho. i only wish i was able todo that comfortably. the past three days or so, i have been in severe pain...just the worst pain i have ever dealt with. they say god doesnt give you more than u can handle, well, come on...cut me a break here. i felt pretty decent after that last shot in may...but the last few weeks, the pain is just progressing and im not sure why. it just hurts all the damn time. it never used to hurt when i laid in bed. it was my only relief but i cant sleep at all. every way i turn, it just throbs. the best way to describe it is like a constant earache in my hip, if that makes any sense. so i called the doctor today and they said there isnt anything else they can do and told me to call the pain clinic bc they specialize in my kind of pain. but of course i got their answering machine and no word back yet so we will see. and bc i have a great hmo, id have to get referrals before i can see them so i probably wont even get in there for two weeks. and then there is trying to find the time to get the shot or whatever they want to try now, and then the babysitters to watch the kids for 2 days while i recover. i just dont know what to do anymore, i really dont. the only permanent option is having the surgery but then i am giving up having anymore kids and i just cant do that. im just not at that point yet. i keep telling myself that i will wake up one day and it will just magically feel better but im still waiting. i guess i can keep hoping. maybe once justin gets home, ill be too happy to even feel the pain! i know my heart will feel better at least!
on the home front....ah, what can i say? had the police over today. nothing big, just an information report but who knows.....did a certain someone break a strangers window or are they inncoent like they claim??? god only knows. all i know that someone came to our door with broken glass and wanted payment for it and wiht my luck, my truck will take the retaliation. somehow someway, its just my luck...but we will see. it was nice seeing the cop tho, hadnt seen him in awhile. we also have a little rat family living somewhere in the backyard. they are so nasty! john decided to try to smoke them out with these little colored smoke bombs but they didnt work. so they put poison out so hopefully they will be gone in the morning. they are brave little things tho, they just come right out and like taunt us! ugh! as long as they dont find there where into the house, i dont care.
on a positive note, i got to talk to justin today on the internet. not very long, but ill take what i can get. he isnt doing much this week, only busy work and chore like things. he isnt happy but i sure am....i like when i know hes not doing anything. selfish on my part but i wish he could do nothing for the next 29 days. and yes i said 29 days....thats when his operations are suppsed to stop around. so 30 more nights of praying and trying not to worry as i fall asleep. its not that i dont like when hes gone but you can say i have adjusted. i am used to him being gone. i just dont like worrying about his safety. thats the worst part about all of this. but it was good to talk to him. said he wouldnt be calling this week bc of how busy they are, and their lack of sleep but he sounded pretty upbeat on the internet. talked about the house, and all we have to do, the kids, the homecoming, just kept skipping aruond all over the place. thats how i know he is in a good mood, he just jumps around from one thing to the next. god i love that man!

family party

today was a blast. we had a family party out in homer glen and it was so fun. zak played with my little cousin ben, who is three, for the first time. they did the typical boy stuff, play fighting. at one point, ben had enough and ran away. well zak wasnt done wiht him yet and chased after him. somehow they bumped heads and ben started crying. well my loveable little man went right up to him, kissed him, and said, "i sowy." it was so cute! and then three of my uncles started wrestling with him and throwing pillows at him and zak was in heaven. he was screaming and giggling and just constantly smiling. i cant tell you the last time that kid was that happy. i of course teared up bc it just showed had bad he needs his daddy for that kind of stuff, among other things. at one point, he stopped and said "i pay dada ( i play daddy)" and everyone in the room looked at me. i mean, dead silence....and all i could choke out was "pretty soon, baby, pretty soon." he was satisfied with that but god, it hurts so damn bad. these are the only times i get angry at justin for doing this....the only time. and i know its not fair to do that but how do i shake that off? when it comes to your kids and their feelings, i guess you cant shake anything off....all in all tho, it was a good time. i even let them stay out way past their bed time and got plenty of phone calls from my mom. where are you? wat are you doing? come on, i am gone one night doing what i want to do, i and i get these calls.....what are you gonna do when i move out? call me every night just to make sure i am home and okay? haha! i just think its funny at this point. theres nothing else to do but laugh. septemeber 16th, september 16th...thats all i keep saying to myself. but the kids are fast asleep and i should attempt to as well.....they will be leaving me for a few days to spend some time with nana and poppa! zak is already soo excited!

im back

just random pics of my babies

well i took a few days off from writing bc i just wasnt myself. i still dont feel exactly right but i have to snap myself out of what ever is going on. these past few days have been so hard on me and i dont even have a real reason. i know that i am so completely fed up with this deployment...just done. its been too damn long and its taking its toll on me. he moved again and i guess i just have a problem with change, i always have....and i dont like that i dont know what hes doing or where he is and all that. we got into yet another argument bc he thinks i dont trust him and his abilities and i just cant get it into his thick skull. i dont doubt him in the least, i just dont trust the bad guys or the ieds. i read last night that three marines were killed in the anbar providence and asked him about it. i was afraid to bc of the conversation earlier but he was really sweet and took the time to answer every question i had. and he promised me, that he is nowhere near any of that....the article i read said that violence is spiking bc there is world that we are pulling out and that worries me. if the insurgents know we are pulling out, then of course they are going to start their crap again. and what happens our guys that are still there? no they are undermanned and trying to fight? i guess i just dont understand all of the deeper issues of this war but what i do understand is that my husband and every other american over there, are truly heroes and i will remind him of that for the rest of my life. so basically, i am feeling slightly better about him...hes only got a few weeks left of operation and they are dragging, at least for me. ugh! my other issue is the current living situation....i just dont even know my own family anymore and this house just isnt my home anymore. i have never felt unwelcome in my home before in my entire life until these past few months. could i go somewhere else? yes of course, but its not about me anymore. its about the kids and wahts best for them and i dont have a clue. do i uproot them and shuffle them around right before we move for good? or do i leave them here in this unstable environment? i just dont know....and thats a big problem for me. i feel helpless when it comes to them and i should know what to do and what is right for them and i dont. i just dont. things here have calmed down in the last day or two but who knows how long it will last...there is always a lull before the storm....so we will see. i just dont know how much more i can take. and then theres my hip....god, i know it is only minimal pain compared to what so many other people go thru, but wow....i have never felt pain like this, ever....and ive broken a lot of things before. when i was first diagnosed in january, it hurt but it wasnt that bad. and then the shots started and i dont know if they masked the pain or what. it never went away but they certainly helped. my last shot was may 15th and lately, i am in severe pain. i cant sit on the floor for too long, i can barely make it up the stairs without holding on to something, i cant drive for too long, it just aches when i try to sleep, and what hurts the most is that i cant even run and play with my kids. of course i try my best, but then i pay for it later. and justin always asks how it is doing and i have to lie....i am so scared that if he knew how much pain i was in that he wuoldnt want me to get pregnant again and im not ready to accept that yet. yes i have two gorgeous babies and yes i know how lucky i am but i wuoldnt feel complete stopping there. it sounds selfish i know, but its just wats in my heart. i go back to the doc on the 16th so we will see what he says. so all of these things combined have been playing with my head lately. i felt like i did when i was diagnosed with post partum depression. only now i beliegve that i never had post partum nething, just plain depression. there is a history in my family so i know the chance is there but i just didnt feel right. not sleepin, not eating, cryin out of nowhere, i get lost in my own thoughts, avoid contact with people, ya know...everything that is stated on those commercials. so i decided to go talk to the doctor before anyhint got out of my control and someone very close to me put an end to that thought...."you dont need a doctor, you dont need medicine, you need to be stronger, get a grip...." and plenty more. so for the moment, i did just that. i sucked it up and pushed it aside and i only hope this all stays where i put it for a very long time. but we will see. i am trying to stay as postitive as i can so i can get thru the next few weeks.
on a happy note, i bought the kids a book today about daddies. its a popup book and it describes all the things daddies can do. i read it to them once and zak just loved it. the last page says "goodnight daddy" and when we get to that page, he says ni ni dada....theres also a page that says "daddies go to work" and then the door pops out and it says "but hug u when u get home" and zak said, "dada home, dada home, i hold dada." god when does this get easier??? but my point was that he made me read that book at least 15 times before he would take a bath. and then 5 more times before bed...and yes, the book is now sleeping safely right next to him and his daddy pillow. god i love that kid and he loves his father.

on another note, can anyone tell me why bad things keep happening to good people???? when is enough, enough???!!! anyone.......ah, i didnt think so. well, you know who you are and please, if there is anything i can do, let me know. and know i love you so much

scared

today i apparently let my mind get the best of me. i woke up and had no cable or internet and refused to watch blues clues dvds all day so i figured id take the kids and go somewhere. i contemplated a few places and finally decided on the little red schoolhouse. zak went with nana and papa and i heard he liked it so i thought it would be fun. so i got ready and remembered that i had this lil mole start bleeding in the shower yesterday and that i forgot to ask my mom about it. her immediate response was that it was a sign of skin cancer and i should call my gramma bc she had skin cancer twice so she would know. and she confirmed it, told me to call the doctor asap. so i call the doctor in between the trembles only to find that they are closed til monday..so who knows when i will actually even get an appointment. i hate that doctor. they are never open and when they are its like whatever 3 days a week they think they should be open. damn hmo insurance! but thats a whole nother issue in itself. so basically i spent the day frozen in my head and did absolutely nothing. the kids and i played in the backyard and stuff but im sure they could tell that i wasnt all there. i did talk to justin online and explained everything. he was less than compassionate at first, said i was getting overworked just like my mom and gramma do about everything and all that and he was right. its just something else that i really need him home for. why is it that you never realize how much you need someone around until they are gone??? and then he said he had a few moles do that and he is still alive and that people dont get cancer who are my age unless they are exposed to "weird shit". hes so funny....i know he was trying to help but come on babe, anyone at any age can get cancer!! but i have calmed down slightly over the last few hours and realize that making myself sick about it isnt going to solve anything. my sister said i might have just scratched it and not even known it or something so who knows....cancer is just one of my biggest fears, always has been...actually i think on a higher level, its just dying in general. ive always been terrified. i used to stay away all night long when i was little bc i was afraid for some reason i wasnt going to wake up. my parents had plenty of sleepness nights with me thats for sure. and then when my grandpa died and i saw how sad everyone was it scared me even more. im not afraid of the dying, its the leaving and not seeing the people i love anymore. and it only gets worse after you have kids....i cant imagine ever leaving them. just like any mother, i want to watch them get older and be there for all of their milestones and all that....its not a religion thing or what i believe in bc i honestly dont know. do i believe there is a heaven? yes...do i believe u are reunited with those who went before you?....yes....but do i believe that you can look down and watch out for those still here?....not really sure on that one....and thats what scares me, not being able to see justin or the kids and hold them in my arms every day....so people may think i am overreacting on this whole thing but whenever you hear the word cancer, you cringe a little bit. and me being a complete pessimist, i get worked up. anyways, i will find out next week sometime i guess.
on a happier note, kids were good today. we played in the yard where caycee fell off the slide yet again....didnt cry this time tho....guess shes just used to the landing! although she did cry when zak ran her over with his little tikes car. granted i caught her before he really even touched her so i think she was more mad than hurt....she wants that car so bad, but only when he is in it!! so i distracted her with a popsicle which i think are her favorite things on earth and she was fine. shes so funny. i sit on the couch and she stands there holding onto the couch, with her mouth open the whole time until i give her some. then as soon thats gone, the mouth opens right away again!!! i did however have quite a scare with her today in the tub. zak was on the potty and i turned to look at him for a split second, i swear. caycee must have stood herself up and fallen all in that slpit second. she likes to try to drink out of the faucet so when she went down, she must have had her mouth near the faucet bc the inside of her mouth started gushing blood...i mean nonstop, even zak got scared. shes STILL got no teeth so i knew she didnt break one of those but i couldnt see where it was coming from. i panicked for only the 2nd time as a mother, ever. i was so scared and screamed for my mom. (yes i still need my mom apparently) and she helped me out. it turned out she was fine. it looks like she cut the inside of her upper lip in the corner a lil bit. the bleedding stopped shortly after and fat lip and all, she stayed in the tub until even after i drained all the water....shes a trooper...daddys girl!
things around here are....well i am just at a loss for words. all i can really say is i cant wait for sept to come so i can get the hell out. i am just so tired of this house, the people in the house, the things that go on in this house, just everything,.....i dont deserve this life and my kids def dont deserve this life. i am giong to be a completely different person once justin and the kids and i are in our own house, doing things are own way, and taking care of our kids the way they should be taken care of. but thats all my complaining for now, just wont solve anytihng i guess and i only get more upset when i think about it. tomorrow we are going to the camper to get out and basically clear my mind...there might be a move coming to someones house, and you know who you are!!!!

good day

today was an overall good day. the kids were in a great mood and i barely heard any crying or whining at all....well except when caycee took a head dive off of the slide. it was like the end of the world to her. i thought for sure it would discourage her from climbing up there again (considering she cant even walk yet) but no luck. the little demon wiped her eyes and went right back to it. god she is her father!!! we played in the backyard for quite a while today, had a good lunch where zak actually ate, took naps, and went to target. i guess its some kind of show when u see a mom shopping with two kids in a cart. i got an unsual amount of stares today. i guess it was bc poor zak was sitting in the back buried underneath all of the stuff i was buying. he was so good tho, never tried to open a thing....was very patient. i was so proud of him. ive only been to a select few stores that have those carts fit for two kids. apparently the big stores like target and walmart (which are family oriented) believe that every mom that has more than one kid is able to get a babysitter for all but one kid....i just dont understand that. i also heard a strange comment from an older woman in the store. we walked passed her and i watched her smile at the kids, the ever famous, they are so cute smile. but then she turned to her husband and said "babies having babies, what a shame." first of all, thank you bc u made me week. i am honored that u think i look like a child myself, considering i am legally an adult....in fact, u flattered me so much that i am not even upset about ur need to throw ur two cents in there when it def wasnt asked for! old people, gotta love their honesty!!! (no offense to anyone)
i have another story for u today. my neighbors friend took her son to a park at a school around my house, one that zak actually loves going to. well apparently her son accidently stepped on another childs foot. the woman then get surrounded by 8 mothers (who were of a differnt ethnicity) and told her to get out of there bc it was there park and to get used to it bc in 15 years they will take over the world! now i purposely did not put what ethnicity/religion these people are and i wont. i am not a racist person by any means and wouldnt start anything with anyone. however, no one is going to tell me to leave a park or anywhere else for that matter bc they think it is theirs or no matter how many people they have in their crowd. i would have called the police first of all bc thats a hate crime and she was threatened basically...then i wouldnt have ran away. my husband and so many of our husbands, brothers, and fathers are putting their lives on the line in a far away country so that it is safe to take our children to a park. when i heard this story i became so enraged...so damn enraged. i have yet to go back to that park yet...i feel like i need to calm down a little bit before i take that chance.
anyways, i talked to justin again today. it was only supposed to be an internet day but zak was having a hard time today and therefore i was having a hard time so justin felt like he had to call. it seems as it closer, zak just doesnt deal with it as well. hes alawys asking for him, or looking for him, and today he wanted to get in daddys car! i know he understands to a point but its like he has had enough of all of this. it just breaks my heart into pieces....sometimes i wish he was older and able to comprehend all of this...but soon enough he will have his hero back and for good (fingers crossed).
my brother is graduating from ranger school next month, hopefully on time. my family is talking about going down there and seeing it. i guess its supposed to be phenomenal. i cant wait to see my brother. that kid means so much to me...and he means even more to zak. he cant wait to see his "dodo"...dont ask where that came from. it should be fun tho, aside from spending 3 or 4 days with both of my parents at the same time. something always hits the fan when they are together, and i am there to get the brunt of it. so in that sense, i am dreading it.
thats about it for today. kids are in bed and ive got some laundry to finish up.

kids came home today

i did a lot of running around today. just getting the errands done that are so much easier to do without the kids around. they stayed with grandma and grandpa until around 5pm. i even got a nap in! i cant even say when the last time i did that was!! it was nice...they are peacefully sound asleep right now. we had dinner, played outside on zaks trampoline, went for a walk (where zak sang to me and caycee the entire time), took our bath and went to bed. it was a nice night. zak said the word "off" today bc he wanted his shoes off...its just amazing how everyday he learns something else. justin isnt even going to recognize that kid when he gets home. and caycee, shes so damn cute. she gives kisses now...wide mouth and sloppy kisses but still the same. she is practicing standing up and attempts to take a step but shes afraid to fall. which surprises me bc she'll climb on anything she sees without having fear yet she wont try to walk....silly girl. she did have her first full blown temper tantrum today. i could have sworn she was too young for that but oh well. i gave zak a sucker and being the good big brother he is, he gave her some. and then let her hold it bc a lick just wasnt good enough for her. well when he took it back, caycees whole world came to an end....threw herself on the floor, the arms and legs went flailing...just crazy. so zak went over and kissed her bc she was so upset and the lil brat started hitting him bc she didnt want him around! man, i dont know if im ready for that kind of temperment...then again, i am married to that kind of temperment...lol. they made up later tho....zak was riding his little four wheeler through the kitchen and caycee decided to grab onto the back of it. so when he started driving, she ran right behind him holding on tight...in her lil "old lady" nightgown, or so jayci calls it. nonetheless, it was so cute and quite funny.
i talked to justin today for about 40 minutes or so. it was a good conversation. i can just hear in his voice everytime i talk to him how excited he is to get home. its still a few months away but he doesnt care...he's always so positive in everything he does...including this whole deployment. i never once heard him complain, or whine, or regret doing what he is doing and i admire that. it seems like i have a complaint every single day and i live a comfortable and wonderful life. and he is there in that extreme heat doing god knows what, without batting an eye....hence, why i never joined the military...just wouldnt last. i find myself living from phone call to phone call these days. it like recharges my batteries everytime he calls and it helps me get through the next few days. it was hard on fathers day and zaks birthday and all of that but i know it wasnt easy for him either. sometimes i have to remind myself of that!

INTRO

ON THE BOTTOM LEFT

IS MY HUSBAND AND I ON OUR WEDDING DAY. HE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL, AMAZING, AND CARING MAN I HAVE EVER HAD THE HONOR OF BEING AROUND. I STILL WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND CANT BELIEVE THAT I AM LUCKY ENOUGH THAT HE CHOSE ME TO LOVE. HE IS CURRENTLY IN IRAQ WITH THE MARINE CORPS. I CANT WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME TO ME AND MAKE ME COMPLETE AGAIN!

ON THE RIGHT IS OUR ADORABLE DAUGHTER CAYCEE KATHLEEN. SHE WILL BE ONE IN JULY. WHEN HER DADDY LEFT, SHE WAS BARELY TWO MONTHS OLD AND NOW SHE IS CRAWLING AND CLIMBING AND REALLY SHOWING HER "DADDY PERSONALITY" AS I LIKE TO CALL IT. HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS IN FOR WITH HER!

TOP LEFT WOULD BE MY LITTLE MAN, ZAKARY JOHN. HE JUST TURNED TWO LAST WEEK AND ITS KINDA SAD. HES NOT MY LITTLE BABY ANYMORE. BUT HE IS TALKING SO MUCH LATELY, AND IS JUST THIS AMAZING LITTLE BOY WHO BLOWS MY MIND EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I DECIDED I WOULD TRY THIS BLOGGING THING. MY MOM AND SISTER CURRENTLY HAVE PAGES SO I GUESS ITS WORTH A TRY. I LOVE TO WRITE BUT I JUST DONT HAVE THE TIME ANYMORE. THE ONLY TIME I REALLY DO IS WHEN THE KIDS ARE GONE FOR THE NIGHT. INSTEAD OF GOING OUT OR DOING SOMETHING EXCITING, I USE THAT TIME TO WRITE SOME NEW MATERIAL...I KNOW, BORING RIGHT? I WAS NEVER A BIG BLOGGER BUT I HAVE BEEN HAVING A ROUGH TIME LATELY SO I FIGURED WRITING THINGS OUT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BENEFICIAL. MY ENTIRE LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. MY HUSBAND WILL BE HOME MOST IMPORTANTLY AFTER BEING GONE FOR 7 MONTHS. I USED TO THINK THAT WHEN I GOT TO THIS POINT, I WOULD JUST BE ECSTATIC BUT THERES SO MUCH MORE TO IT, NOW THAT I AM HERE. I AM ECSTATIC DONT GET ME WRONG, BUT NERVOUS AS WELL. I KNOW IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE, BUT I HAVE BEEN BY MYSELF SINCE JANUARY, TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS AND DOING THINGS MY OWN WAY. NO JUSTIN IS BY NO MEANS THE PASSIVE TYPE...HE IS A POLICE OFFICER AND HAS THAT LOVABLE POLICE OFFICER PERSONALITY! LOL! I AM JUST NERVOUS THAT WE ARENT GOING TO BE THE SAME PEOPLE WE WERE BACK THEN AND IM NOT SURE HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT. THE OTHER ISSUE IS THAT WE ARE HAVING A HOUSE BUILT THAT WILL BE READY SHORTLY AFTER HE COMES HOME. I AM WORRIED ABOUT HIM BC THEY SAY HE NEEDS TIME TO GET BACK INTO HIS NORMAL LIFE AND MOVING ALL OF OUR BELONGINGS AND DEAL WITH ALL OF THAT STRESS DOESNT SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF DECOMPRESSING HE NEEDS. WE HAVE NEVER REALLY LIVED ON OWN TOGETHER AND DEFINETALY NOT SINCE THE KIDS WERE BORN SO ONE THING IS FOR SURE, I CANNOT WAIT TO START THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER AND RAISE OUR FAMILY IN OUR OWN HOUSE....GOD I CANT WAIT!

WELL ENOUGH OF MY COMPLAINING OR WHINING OR WHATEVER I CALL IT. I SHOULD TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP WHILE I CAN, NO KIDS TONIGHT. THEY ARE SPENDING SOME TIME WITH POPPA AND NANA.

UNTIL I KNEW YOU (FOR JUSTIN)

There was a time I didn't know happiness.
The kind that makes you smile for no reason.
The kind that makes you giddy with laughter.
The kind that lasts with you for weeks.
I never knew happiness until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know love.
The kind that makes you feel complete.
The kind that fills your heart.
The kind that lasts a lifetime.
I never knew love until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know devotion.
The kind that comes from looking into the eyes of a baby.
The kind that makes you feel what they are feeling.
The kind that holds your heart as tight as they hold your finger.
I never knew devotion until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know loneliness.
The kind that makes you want to pull the covers over your head.
The kind that makes your body ache with saddness.
The kind that no words or advice can take away.
I never knew loneliness until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know determination.
The kind that makes you stand up and do what is right.
The kind that sends you to foreign places and risk your life.
The kind that keeps you going strong when you want to fall apart.
I never knew determination until I knew you.
There was time I didn't know fear.
The kind that you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy.
The kind that keeps you up at night.
The kind that makes you want to remember every last detail.
I never knew fear until I knew you.
There was a time I barely glanced at the American flag.
Never asked myself if a man in uniform was somebody's dad.
Never stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the national anthem.
Never though thinking about our country could make me cry,
Of course until I knew you, I never truly understood pride.

DAYNA LYNNE BROWN