ahhh

well the past few days were so much fun. i took the kids to a parade and two fireworks displays. they were so good. zak tried to run out and get daddy as soldiers marched in the street and threw a huge fit when i told him he wasnt there. it just doesnt get any easier...its actually harder as he gets older. he wasnt too into the fireworks tho, but caycee was amazed. laughing and pointing and oohing and aahing....so cute! we sat on the porch last nite, just the three of us and watched some. caycee stood next to me and laid her little head on my thing and just stared into the sky. i watched the fireworks in the reflection of her eyes and they were the most beautiful fireworks i have ever seen. they say when u have a daughter, u find the hand you will be holding the day you die....and i truly believe that. i love that little baby on a level that i never thought possible. it kills me bc she wasnt planned and there were even times i said i didnt want her when i was pregnant. i had a lot of negative feelings about the pregnancy bc of what was going on at the time and i will feel guilty about that forever. she is just amazing and i cant imagine life without her. and theres my little man.....people ask me how i even miss justin with zak around....bc he is identical to him. and i just realized how right they are. when he wraps his little arms around my neck, its like its just me and him in our own little world. over the past 8 months or so, he has dried my tears, made me laugh, giving me hugs and kisses, played with my hair, fought with me, made me mad, tested my patience, and taught me new things everyday...all things his father has done for me in the 4 years we have been together. so this perfect little boy stepped up and became more like his father than anyone even knows. a lot of pressure to put on a little guy? but i will forever be indebted to my son bc without him, this whole thing would have been a hell of a lot harder to get through. so our holiday was good. it was hard not having justin here....especially seeing dads holding their kids up on their shoulders and all that. but i sent him every picture i took, including fireworks, so he could see a few too....next year will be great im sure.

I got into a huge fight tonite with my stepdad. he felt the need to intrude into a conversation that he wasnt even in and started ranting and raving about the war and his feelings on it. i wont go into details but lets just say, it wasnt very supporting. and obviously with just being over there, i didnt take it lightly. just like at the parade, a group of people with their faces covered and holding anti war signs were in the parade. i almost threw up.....i understand freedom of speech and all that but how do i let that not bother me when my husband is over there fighting to give them that same right? and all these people are free to run their mouths when they arent over there and never had the courage to even sign up! ah, im just so incredibly tired of it. i may not completely agree with the war or bush for that matter, but i know what my husband is doing and why he is doing it and i support him and the rest of our military for doing that. and if people cant understand that or want to protest that, then i dont need those people in my life, or anyone associated with them for that matter. as much as it kills me, i see some relationships coming to an end in my life and it hurts. but a person can only take so much and i am at my breaking point let me tell ya.

on a happier note for today, my baby is walking. not consistently yet but shes trying more and more. shes definetaly standing more tho and once she figures out the concept, i am in big trouble! she will be a year on the 24th so i guess i cant really call her a baby nemore. its just sad, shes growing up way too fast! but i did forget how cute they are when they are trying to walk....and i had to remember to let her fall once in awhile. definetaly gotta get used to that one, cant protect her her whole life. well its off to bed to forget another day and start another. one day closer to him getting home and making everything good again.