hes really coming home

thank you lord for being my husband home safe and sound. well not home to me yet, but at least he is back in the united states. we actually slept in the same country or as i heard it last nite, the same continent for the first time in almost a year! thats crazy! hes called me quite a few times and mostly its to talk about nothing but i love it. i get so excited just seeing his name on my phone! and now i am waiting for him to get back to his barracks and set up his webcam so i can see him before i go to sleep. ah i cant wait! and in another few days, we will be going to sleep together and i can wake up and see his face everyday for the rest of our lives! i cant believe this is almost really over. hope the next few days just fly by!!!!

yay

Well today started off pretty bad. I was in a lot of pain and still feeling groggy from the pain pill I took last nite when the kids woke up earlier than usual. I'm usually showered and ready to go before they wake up but I was dragging this morning. I found two miserable, crusted nose kids wanting to get outta bed. I was thrilled. We still didn't do too much today. They had more energy than they did yesterday but they definetaly weren't feeling any better. So we hung out and took occaional trips out in the backyard but that's about it. I'm sure tomorrow will be the same. So I put them down for their nap when justin imed me on my phone bc his phones were down. We talked for awhile before he told me that his computer had a webcam and I could try and set mine up if I wanted to, DUH!!!! My webcam sucks and its so frustrating but I figured the frustration would be worth it even if I saw him once. When I first saw his face, I cried like a baby for a good five minutes. Its crazy. I haven't even seen a new picture of him in months and to see him live and moving and talking to me, extremely emotional to say the least. His first words to me were, "good god you are beautiful." Here I am fresh outta the shower, hair thrown up in a ponytail, and eyes red from crying and he still thinks I'm beautiful. He just amazes me. Never heard that from a guy before until I met him and whether he truly means it or not, I actually feel beautiful when I'm around him. And he looked beautiful to me (just don't ever let him know I said that). But he did, looked exactly the same as he did when he left, except a few pounds lighter and his hair is a little longer, thank god. But his eyes still sparkle and that smile....god. And it's also funny bc I was reminded of how much zakary looks like him. I mean, its not that I forgot but geez. Facial expressions and all, kind of blew me away. I was bummed that the kids were asleep bc I'm sure zak wouldve loved to see daddy but it gave us some time to talk without being interrupted so I was thankful for that. We had a good hour together but I can't really even tell u what we talked about. I just stared at him and mindlessly typed I guess. He was listening to us99 and told me to put it on right away. It was "home" by dierks bentley and if u have heard it, ud know what the significance is. If u haven't, I suggest u find it right now and have the kleenex ready. But it was just a crazy coincidence that it would come on at that moment. And saying goodbye sucked, just sucked. Sounds incredibly stupid knowing that he will be home in 9 DAYS now but ugh, I cried, he cried, and we both hesitated shutting our computers down. Its strange. Here is the one person u love more than anything on a screen for the first time in months and sayin goodbye should be nuthin compared to what we've done already. But it was like holding onto something that just tore us both up to let go of. Probably doesn't make sense huh? Anyways once I cried a lil bit more to the one person who has been my savior thru all of this, I was much better and my day was much better. Kids got up, barely ate dinner as usual, played a little in the cozy coupe cars, took a bath and went to bed. Zak proceeded to tell me that my bed is zak and daddys bed now. He patted the pillow closest to the wall and sed "dadda's". And then he sed his was the other one. So I asked him where I was supposed to sleep and he said,"I dunno, there"....pointing to his and caycees room. Funny little thing! And poor caycee was running a pretty good fever when I put her to bed. Laid right down without so much as a whimper, not like her at all. Ever since her bout with rsv, the doctor said she might take colds a lot harder than average and she has a better chance of getting of pnuemonia so I'm really watching her good. Hopefully they'll be better by friday and hopefully I don't feel like they do on friday. Keep ur fingers crossed. Well time for bed, close to 9 days now!!!

wow

Well we are officially almost at the ten day mark! I guess it is finally beginning to sink in. I am most looking forward to him just getting back to california so I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Just knowing that he is safe will be the biggest weight lifted off of my shoulders. And that should be happening by the weekend so I will actually, for the first time in months, be able to fully enjoy a weekend with the kids. We are heading to the inlaws for a fair with something called bed races. I've seen something about them on tv but never in person. I never thought anybody really did them. Needless to say, it should be quite entertaining. Although I'm hoping zak doesn't assume that all beds move like that and that he wants to race in his now!!! It should be a good time tho. I haven't spent much time there since justin left. Its just very hard to be around his family in their surroundings without him there. Even the drive down there was hard the first time I did it without him. But like I said, this weekend I will be carefree and will have fun with my kids and my parents. That is if the kids are feeling better by then. Having sick kids is one of the worst part of being a mom. I just feel so helpless. Zak is just miserable but he doesn't complain. He's sneezing and coughing and basically laid around all day watching tv. Didn't eat much but a pretzel or two. His nose is running constantly and being a typical boy, he doesn't need kleenex. Just uses his shirt or his hand. Pretty funny considering I definetaly didn't teach him that one. I think boys just have it in their genes to be gross like that!!! And my little girl wasn't too bothered by her cold earlier but as the day went on....ugh. She's a typical girl, whiny and crabby and moody. She hasn't really been sick since she got rsv when she was a baby so I haven't seen her in action, so to speak. At one point during our movie watching, she climbed right up on my chest and passed out, just like she used to when she was a baby. I didn't want to put her down but the poor thing had a fever and was just dripping sweat. Not to mention zak then wanted to "seep on mama" too so they both ended up in their own beds for a FOUR hour nap! Then auntie jamie sent caycees birthday present, a pink cozy coupe car. So I put it together with a screwdriver and hammer and my lil man helped me with his tools. He was so cute. Everytime I hammered something he had to do it too, in the exact same spot. I can't wait to watch him build things with his daddy. So I thought this new car would fix all of the fighting they do over zaks cozy coupe. Oh man was I wrong. Now they both want to be in the new one bc the horn plays a song, unlike the one zak has. He sits in it and gets mad when she wants to get in there. And I feel so bad for her bc she just gets this look on her face and sometimes she just gives up and walks away but other times, she screeches and hits him. Ha I never know what to do about that. On one hand I yell at her for hitting but on the other, I can't say I blame her. He takes everything she has and only when she wants it. Its gotta be so frustrating for her. Oh well, guess she's just figuring out early that life isn't fair. They both went to bed around 830 so hopefully they'll be feeling better in the morning. My sister also woke up with whatver they have today so I'm just praying I can avoid this one. Although I don't think my chances are that good...between the snots that were wiped all over me and all the open mouth wet kisses I was given, I think its highly unlikely that ill miss this one. Oh well, that's life. I think I could be deathly ill and it still wouldn't take away the happiness I will feel in ten days! Wow, its crazy to even be able to write that, TEN DAYS!!! Well I guess I should try and get some sleep, gotta rest to avoid the ebola virus (that's what justin calls it when the kids get sick)! Haha

ha

Well all I can do is laugh tonite. I have to bc if I don't, I mite lose it. This nite was ridiculous. We were given different info on justins homecoming than other people received so I attempted to find out what was going on and voiced my opinions on the person we got the info from. I was told, in sort of a condescending way, that nothing will be done and possibly at a later date we can work something out. And that I shouldn't take it personal bc this person really is a good guy, u just have to get to know him. And be patient....that's all I heard over and over. And I am patient, it has nothing to do with that. I'm patient but I'm mad as hell too. I felt like we weren't informed at all bc we weren't present at the time the info was given out. There is one person who is amazing and a wonderful woman who is there for me whenever I need anything. She asks how I am doing on a daily basis, asks about the kids all the time, just a genuine person who doesn't treat u like an email address. She gets to know you so I've gone to her with things in the past that she took care of right away. Well now I'm being told that I shouldn't be contacting her anyways. What the hell? Is there really that strict of regulations that I can only go to one or two specific people in this marine corps "family"? Ya know, the say we are all a family and in this together but I don't feel any type of family anything right now. So I have decided to sit back and wait. I won't believe he is home until he is holding me. That's it. And I also will no longer be going to anyone involved in this for anything, unless it is incredibly necessary. I'm done with these people, I'm done with this deployment. I can't wait for him to get home so we can close this chapter and start living happily ever after.

emotions

Well I'm back again. Been busy and tired and blah the past few weeks. Just making excuses I guess. Just watched the movie stop loss and I see why I've been told not to watch it. Especially when ur husbands in iraq. The beginning was a lot of fighting and soldiers dying and all that but I handled that well. I guess its bc he's "technically" done now so its not as hard for me to see. Although I can never see images of the folding of a flag after a funeral without bawling like a baby. What got me was the scenes of the homecoming and the departure to iraq (it was done backwards). It took me back to hands down the worst day of my existence, the day I watched that bus drive away. Just typing those words gets to me. That was the moment that I learned that my heart could still beat even after my breath stopped. Everything around me just ceased. I didn't see the crowd of people crying or waving flags, I didn't see my baby crying bc daddy was gone, I didn't hear a sound...it was like my body and mind just shut down. I felt like I was dying. All because of one person, one person leaving me. I was very lucky in that I got to see him a few times after that in cali before he shipped out. But the last time I saw him will forever be eteched in my memory. I could tell u exactly what we did that day, what we ate, what rental car we drove, what he wore, what he smelled like..everything but what he said to me while I was in his arms the last time. Again, I shut down. Didn't hear a sound. Just melted into his arms and prayed to god that he would be back to hold me again. I watched him drive away and collapsed on the ground. Just collapsed like u see in the movies. I was half expecting him to come back and pick me up like he always did but after an hour, I relized he was gone. So I picked myself up for the first time in almost 5 years and continued to do so these past 8 months. And I learned to do that becuase of him. That man has taught me more in the years we have been together than I have learned my entire life. And he taught me about myself even while he's been gone. Even more of a reason to love him I guess. And as hard as this has been, I don't think I'd go back and do it any different. I've made relationships with people that I might not have otherwise, ended some relationships, learned to stand on my own two feet, got an amazing house, and most of all I learned how to appreciate someone and to never take them for granted. Which brings me to the homecoming. As it gets closer, a million new things enter my mind. What will I wear? How will I react when I see him? Jump on him? Freeze? I mean, when he graduated boot camp I didn't find him in the crowd for a good 5 minutes...will that happen again? How long do I hold him? I mean, crazy things that u shouldn't have to think about when it comes to ur husband. And then there's the kids...how will he react when he sees them? How will they react? What do I do when he tries to discipline them and they don't listen? Or how do I handle it when zak doesn't want him to touch me? And then that first nite, how do I go to sleep without the fear of him not being there when I wake up? How do I know I won't be dreaming? The whole thing is just crazy. This deployment brings out things u never even knew u had. The lows are the lowest u can imagine and yet the highs are, ah...indescribable. All I know is that I cannot wait to wrap my arms around that man and never let go. He is my hero and forever will be. Let the countdown begin!!!