emotions

Well I'm back again. Been busy and tired and blah the past few weeks. Just making excuses I guess. Just watched the movie stop loss and I see why I've been told not to watch it. Especially when ur husbands in iraq. The beginning was a lot of fighting and soldiers dying and all that but I handled that well. I guess its bc he's "technically" done now so its not as hard for me to see. Although I can never see images of the folding of a flag after a funeral without bawling like a baby. What got me was the scenes of the homecoming and the departure to iraq (it was done backwards). It took me back to hands down the worst day of my existence, the day I watched that bus drive away. Just typing those words gets to me. That was the moment that I learned that my heart could still beat even after my breath stopped. Everything around me just ceased. I didn't see the crowd of people crying or waving flags, I didn't see my baby crying bc daddy was gone, I didn't hear a sound...it was like my body and mind just shut down. I felt like I was dying. All because of one person, one person leaving me. I was very lucky in that I got to see him a few times after that in cali before he shipped out. But the last time I saw him will forever be eteched in my memory. I could tell u exactly what we did that day, what we ate, what rental car we drove, what he wore, what he smelled like..everything but what he said to me while I was in his arms the last time. Again, I shut down. Didn't hear a sound. Just melted into his arms and prayed to god that he would be back to hold me again. I watched him drive away and collapsed on the ground. Just collapsed like u see in the movies. I was half expecting him to come back and pick me up like he always did but after an hour, I relized he was gone. So I picked myself up for the first time in almost 5 years and continued to do so these past 8 months. And I learned to do that becuase of him. That man has taught me more in the years we have been together than I have learned my entire life. And he taught me about myself even while he's been gone. Even more of a reason to love him I guess. And as hard as this has been, I don't think I'd go back and do it any different. I've made relationships with people that I might not have otherwise, ended some relationships, learned to stand on my own two feet, got an amazing house, and most of all I learned how to appreciate someone and to never take them for granted. Which brings me to the homecoming. As it gets closer, a million new things enter my mind. What will I wear? How will I react when I see him? Jump on him? Freeze? I mean, when he graduated boot camp I didn't find him in the crowd for a good 5 minutes...will that happen again? How long do I hold him? I mean, crazy things that u shouldn't have to think about when it comes to ur husband. And then there's the kids...how will he react when he sees them? How will they react? What do I do when he tries to discipline them and they don't listen? Or how do I handle it when zak doesn't want him to touch me? And then that first nite, how do I go to sleep without the fear of him not being there when I wake up? How do I know I won't be dreaming? The whole thing is just crazy. This deployment brings out things u never even knew u had. The lows are the lowest u can imagine and yet the highs are, ah...indescribable. All I know is that I cannot wait to wrap my arms around that man and never let go. He is my hero and forever will be. Let the countdown begin!!!