just another day

well i have had no kids for a little over 24 hours now and i do miss them like crazy. its a really weird feeling when you are around the little guys everyday, every hour, every second and then they arent there. its like i am lost. i should be going out with my friends and enjoying my time but instead, i clean diaper genies, go grocery shopping, and do all the little things that are so much easier wihtout two lil ones hanging on my leg! it is nice to relax tho. i only wish i was able todo that comfortably. the past three days or so, i have been in severe pain...just the worst pain i have ever dealt with. they say god doesnt give you more than u can handle, well, come on...cut me a break here. i felt pretty decent after that last shot in may...but the last few weeks, the pain is just progressing and im not sure why. it just hurts all the damn time. it never used to hurt when i laid in bed. it was my only relief but i cant sleep at all. every way i turn, it just throbs. the best way to describe it is like a constant earache in my hip, if that makes any sense. so i called the doctor today and they said there isnt anything else they can do and told me to call the pain clinic bc they specialize in my kind of pain. but of course i got their answering machine and no word back yet so we will see. and bc i have a great hmo, id have to get referrals before i can see them so i probably wont even get in there for two weeks. and then there is trying to find the time to get the shot or whatever they want to try now, and then the babysitters to watch the kids for 2 days while i recover. i just dont know what to do anymore, i really dont. the only permanent option is having the surgery but then i am giving up having anymore kids and i just cant do that. im just not at that point yet. i keep telling myself that i will wake up one day and it will just magically feel better but im still waiting. i guess i can keep hoping. maybe once justin gets home, ill be too happy to even feel the pain! i know my heart will feel better at least!
on the home front....ah, what can i say? had the police over today. nothing big, just an information report but who knows.....did a certain someone break a strangers window or are they inncoent like they claim??? god only knows. all i know that someone came to our door with broken glass and wanted payment for it and wiht my luck, my truck will take the retaliation. somehow someway, its just my luck...but we will see. it was nice seeing the cop tho, hadnt seen him in awhile. we also have a little rat family living somewhere in the backyard. they are so nasty! john decided to try to smoke them out with these little colored smoke bombs but they didnt work. so they put poison out so hopefully they will be gone in the morning. they are brave little things tho, they just come right out and like taunt us! ugh! as long as they dont find there where into the house, i dont care.
on a positive note, i got to talk to justin today on the internet. not very long, but ill take what i can get. he isnt doing much this week, only busy work and chore like things. he isnt happy but i sure am....i like when i know hes not doing anything. selfish on my part but i wish he could do nothing for the next 29 days. and yes i said 29 days....thats when his operations are suppsed to stop around. so 30 more nights of praying and trying not to worry as i fall asleep. its not that i dont like when hes gone but you can say i have adjusted. i am used to him being gone. i just dont like worrying about his safety. thats the worst part about all of this. but it was good to talk to him. said he wouldnt be calling this week bc of how busy they are, and their lack of sleep but he sounded pretty upbeat on the internet. talked about the house, and all we have to do, the kids, the homecoming, just kept skipping aruond all over the place. thats how i know he is in a good mood, he just jumps around from one thing to the next. god i love that man!

family party

today was a blast. we had a family party out in homer glen and it was so fun. zak played with my little cousin ben, who is three, for the first time. they did the typical boy stuff, play fighting. at one point, ben had enough and ran away. well zak wasnt done wiht him yet and chased after him. somehow they bumped heads and ben started crying. well my loveable little man went right up to him, kissed him, and said, "i sowy." it was so cute! and then three of my uncles started wrestling with him and throwing pillows at him and zak was in heaven. he was screaming and giggling and just constantly smiling. i cant tell you the last time that kid was that happy. i of course teared up bc it just showed had bad he needs his daddy for that kind of stuff, among other things. at one point, he stopped and said "i pay dada ( i play daddy)" and everyone in the room looked at me. i mean, dead silence....and all i could choke out was "pretty soon, baby, pretty soon." he was satisfied with that but god, it hurts so damn bad. these are the only times i get angry at justin for doing this....the only time. and i know its not fair to do that but how do i shake that off? when it comes to your kids and their feelings, i guess you cant shake anything off....all in all tho, it was a good time. i even let them stay out way past their bed time and got plenty of phone calls from my mom. where are you? wat are you doing? come on, i am gone one night doing what i want to do, i and i get these calls.....what are you gonna do when i move out? call me every night just to make sure i am home and okay? haha! i just think its funny at this point. theres nothing else to do but laugh. septemeber 16th, september 16th...thats all i keep saying to myself. but the kids are fast asleep and i should attempt to as well.....they will be leaving me for a few days to spend some time with nana and poppa! zak is already soo excited!

im back

just random pics of my babies

well i took a few days off from writing bc i just wasnt myself. i still dont feel exactly right but i have to snap myself out of what ever is going on. these past few days have been so hard on me and i dont even have a real reason. i know that i am so completely fed up with this deployment...just done. its been too damn long and its taking its toll on me. he moved again and i guess i just have a problem with change, i always have....and i dont like that i dont know what hes doing or where he is and all that. we got into yet another argument bc he thinks i dont trust him and his abilities and i just cant get it into his thick skull. i dont doubt him in the least, i just dont trust the bad guys or the ieds. i read last night that three marines were killed in the anbar providence and asked him about it. i was afraid to bc of the conversation earlier but he was really sweet and took the time to answer every question i had. and he promised me, that he is nowhere near any of that....the article i read said that violence is spiking bc there is world that we are pulling out and that worries me. if the insurgents know we are pulling out, then of course they are going to start their crap again. and what happens our guys that are still there? no they are undermanned and trying to fight? i guess i just dont understand all of the deeper issues of this war but what i do understand is that my husband and every other american over there, are truly heroes and i will remind him of that for the rest of my life. so basically, i am feeling slightly better about him...hes only got a few weeks left of operation and they are dragging, at least for me. ugh! my other issue is the current living situation....i just dont even know my own family anymore and this house just isnt my home anymore. i have never felt unwelcome in my home before in my entire life until these past few months. could i go somewhere else? yes of course, but its not about me anymore. its about the kids and wahts best for them and i dont have a clue. do i uproot them and shuffle them around right before we move for good? or do i leave them here in this unstable environment? i just dont know....and thats a big problem for me. i feel helpless when it comes to them and i should know what to do and what is right for them and i dont. i just dont. things here have calmed down in the last day or two but who knows how long it will last...there is always a lull before the storm....so we will see. i just dont know how much more i can take. and then theres my hip....god, i know it is only minimal pain compared to what so many other people go thru, but wow....i have never felt pain like this, ever....and ive broken a lot of things before. when i was first diagnosed in january, it hurt but it wasnt that bad. and then the shots started and i dont know if they masked the pain or what. it never went away but they certainly helped. my last shot was may 15th and lately, i am in severe pain. i cant sit on the floor for too long, i can barely make it up the stairs without holding on to something, i cant drive for too long, it just aches when i try to sleep, and what hurts the most is that i cant even run and play with my kids. of course i try my best, but then i pay for it later. and justin always asks how it is doing and i have to lie....i am so scared that if he knew how much pain i was in that he wuoldnt want me to get pregnant again and im not ready to accept that yet. yes i have two gorgeous babies and yes i know how lucky i am but i wuoldnt feel complete stopping there. it sounds selfish i know, but its just wats in my heart. i go back to the doc on the 16th so we will see what he says. so all of these things combined have been playing with my head lately. i felt like i did when i was diagnosed with post partum depression. only now i beliegve that i never had post partum nething, just plain depression. there is a history in my family so i know the chance is there but i just didnt feel right. not sleepin, not eating, cryin out of nowhere, i get lost in my own thoughts, avoid contact with people, ya know...everything that is stated on those commercials. so i decided to go talk to the doctor before anyhint got out of my control and someone very close to me put an end to that thought...."you dont need a doctor, you dont need medicine, you need to be stronger, get a grip...." and plenty more. so for the moment, i did just that. i sucked it up and pushed it aside and i only hope this all stays where i put it for a very long time. but we will see. i am trying to stay as postitive as i can so i can get thru the next few weeks.
on a happy note, i bought the kids a book today about daddies. its a popup book and it describes all the things daddies can do. i read it to them once and zak just loved it. the last page says "goodnight daddy" and when we get to that page, he says ni ni dada....theres also a page that says "daddies go to work" and then the door pops out and it says "but hug u when u get home" and zak said, "dada home, dada home, i hold dada." god when does this get easier??? but my point was that he made me read that book at least 15 times before he would take a bath. and then 5 more times before bed...and yes, the book is now sleeping safely right next to him and his daddy pillow. god i love that kid and he loves his father.

on another note, can anyone tell me why bad things keep happening to good people???? when is enough, enough???!!! anyone.......ah, i didnt think so. well, you know who you are and please, if there is anything i can do, let me know. and know i love you so much

scared

today i apparently let my mind get the best of me. i woke up and had no cable or internet and refused to watch blues clues dvds all day so i figured id take the kids and go somewhere. i contemplated a few places and finally decided on the little red schoolhouse. zak went with nana and papa and i heard he liked it so i thought it would be fun. so i got ready and remembered that i had this lil mole start bleeding in the shower yesterday and that i forgot to ask my mom about it. her immediate response was that it was a sign of skin cancer and i should call my gramma bc she had skin cancer twice so she would know. and she confirmed it, told me to call the doctor asap. so i call the doctor in between the trembles only to find that they are closed til monday..so who knows when i will actually even get an appointment. i hate that doctor. they are never open and when they are its like whatever 3 days a week they think they should be open. damn hmo insurance! but thats a whole nother issue in itself. so basically i spent the day frozen in my head and did absolutely nothing. the kids and i played in the backyard and stuff but im sure they could tell that i wasnt all there. i did talk to justin online and explained everything. he was less than compassionate at first, said i was getting overworked just like my mom and gramma do about everything and all that and he was right. its just something else that i really need him home for. why is it that you never realize how much you need someone around until they are gone??? and then he said he had a few moles do that and he is still alive and that people dont get cancer who are my age unless they are exposed to "weird shit". hes so funny....i know he was trying to help but come on babe, anyone at any age can get cancer!! but i have calmed down slightly over the last few hours and realize that making myself sick about it isnt going to solve anything. my sister said i might have just scratched it and not even known it or something so who knows....cancer is just one of my biggest fears, always has been...actually i think on a higher level, its just dying in general. ive always been terrified. i used to stay away all night long when i was little bc i was afraid for some reason i wasnt going to wake up. my parents had plenty of sleepness nights with me thats for sure. and then when my grandpa died and i saw how sad everyone was it scared me even more. im not afraid of the dying, its the leaving and not seeing the people i love anymore. and it only gets worse after you have kids....i cant imagine ever leaving them. just like any mother, i want to watch them get older and be there for all of their milestones and all that....its not a religion thing or what i believe in bc i honestly dont know. do i believe there is a heaven? yes...do i believe u are reunited with those who went before you?....yes....but do i believe that you can look down and watch out for those still here?....not really sure on that one....and thats what scares me, not being able to see justin or the kids and hold them in my arms every day....so people may think i am overreacting on this whole thing but whenever you hear the word cancer, you cringe a little bit. and me being a complete pessimist, i get worked up. anyways, i will find out next week sometime i guess.
on a happier note, kids were good today. we played in the yard where caycee fell off the slide yet again....didnt cry this time tho....guess shes just used to the landing! although she did cry when zak ran her over with his little tikes car. granted i caught her before he really even touched her so i think she was more mad than hurt....she wants that car so bad, but only when he is in it!! so i distracted her with a popsicle which i think are her favorite things on earth and she was fine. shes so funny. i sit on the couch and she stands there holding onto the couch, with her mouth open the whole time until i give her some. then as soon thats gone, the mouth opens right away again!!! i did however have quite a scare with her today in the tub. zak was on the potty and i turned to look at him for a split second, i swear. caycee must have stood herself up and fallen all in that slpit second. she likes to try to drink out of the faucet so when she went down, she must have had her mouth near the faucet bc the inside of her mouth started gushing blood...i mean nonstop, even zak got scared. shes STILL got no teeth so i knew she didnt break one of those but i couldnt see where it was coming from. i panicked for only the 2nd time as a mother, ever. i was so scared and screamed for my mom. (yes i still need my mom apparently) and she helped me out. it turned out she was fine. it looks like she cut the inside of her upper lip in the corner a lil bit. the bleedding stopped shortly after and fat lip and all, she stayed in the tub until even after i drained all the water....shes a trooper...daddys girl!
things around here are....well i am just at a loss for words. all i can really say is i cant wait for sept to come so i can get the hell out. i am just so tired of this house, the people in the house, the things that go on in this house, just everything,.....i dont deserve this life and my kids def dont deserve this life. i am giong to be a completely different person once justin and the kids and i are in our own house, doing things are own way, and taking care of our kids the way they should be taken care of. but thats all my complaining for now, just wont solve anytihng i guess and i only get more upset when i think about it. tomorrow we are going to the camper to get out and basically clear my mind...there might be a move coming to someones house, and you know who you are!!!!

good day

today was an overall good day. the kids were in a great mood and i barely heard any crying or whining at all....well except when caycee took a head dive off of the slide. it was like the end of the world to her. i thought for sure it would discourage her from climbing up there again (considering she cant even walk yet) but no luck. the little demon wiped her eyes and went right back to it. god she is her father!!! we played in the backyard for quite a while today, had a good lunch where zak actually ate, took naps, and went to target. i guess its some kind of show when u see a mom shopping with two kids in a cart. i got an unsual amount of stares today. i guess it was bc poor zak was sitting in the back buried underneath all of the stuff i was buying. he was so good tho, never tried to open a thing....was very patient. i was so proud of him. ive only been to a select few stores that have those carts fit for two kids. apparently the big stores like target and walmart (which are family oriented) believe that every mom that has more than one kid is able to get a babysitter for all but one kid....i just dont understand that. i also heard a strange comment from an older woman in the store. we walked passed her and i watched her smile at the kids, the ever famous, they are so cute smile. but then she turned to her husband and said "babies having babies, what a shame." first of all, thank you bc u made me week. i am honored that u think i look like a child myself, considering i am legally an adult....in fact, u flattered me so much that i am not even upset about ur need to throw ur two cents in there when it def wasnt asked for! old people, gotta love their honesty!!! (no offense to anyone)
i have another story for u today. my neighbors friend took her son to a park at a school around my house, one that zak actually loves going to. well apparently her son accidently stepped on another childs foot. the woman then get surrounded by 8 mothers (who were of a differnt ethnicity) and told her to get out of there bc it was there park and to get used to it bc in 15 years they will take over the world! now i purposely did not put what ethnicity/religion these people are and i wont. i am not a racist person by any means and wouldnt start anything with anyone. however, no one is going to tell me to leave a park or anywhere else for that matter bc they think it is theirs or no matter how many people they have in their crowd. i would have called the police first of all bc thats a hate crime and she was threatened basically...then i wouldnt have ran away. my husband and so many of our husbands, brothers, and fathers are putting their lives on the line in a far away country so that it is safe to take our children to a park. when i heard this story i became so enraged...so damn enraged. i have yet to go back to that park yet...i feel like i need to calm down a little bit before i take that chance.
anyways, i talked to justin again today. it was only supposed to be an internet day but zak was having a hard time today and therefore i was having a hard time so justin felt like he had to call. it seems as it closer, zak just doesnt deal with it as well. hes alawys asking for him, or looking for him, and today he wanted to get in daddys car! i know he understands to a point but its like he has had enough of all of this. it just breaks my heart into pieces....sometimes i wish he was older and able to comprehend all of this...but soon enough he will have his hero back and for good (fingers crossed).
my brother is graduating from ranger school next month, hopefully on time. my family is talking about going down there and seeing it. i guess its supposed to be phenomenal. i cant wait to see my brother. that kid means so much to me...and he means even more to zak. he cant wait to see his "dodo"...dont ask where that came from. it should be fun tho, aside from spending 3 or 4 days with both of my parents at the same time. something always hits the fan when they are together, and i am there to get the brunt of it. so in that sense, i am dreading it.
thats about it for today. kids are in bed and ive got some laundry to finish up.

kids came home today

i did a lot of running around today. just getting the errands done that are so much easier to do without the kids around. they stayed with grandma and grandpa until around 5pm. i even got a nap in! i cant even say when the last time i did that was!! it was nice...they are peacefully sound asleep right now. we had dinner, played outside on zaks trampoline, went for a walk (where zak sang to me and caycee the entire time), took our bath and went to bed. it was a nice night. zak said the word "off" today bc he wanted his shoes off...its just amazing how everyday he learns something else. justin isnt even going to recognize that kid when he gets home. and caycee, shes so damn cute. she gives kisses now...wide mouth and sloppy kisses but still the same. she is practicing standing up and attempts to take a step but shes afraid to fall. which surprises me bc she'll climb on anything she sees without having fear yet she wont try to walk....silly girl. she did have her first full blown temper tantrum today. i could have sworn she was too young for that but oh well. i gave zak a sucker and being the good big brother he is, he gave her some. and then let her hold it bc a lick just wasnt good enough for her. well when he took it back, caycees whole world came to an end....threw herself on the floor, the arms and legs went flailing...just crazy. so zak went over and kissed her bc she was so upset and the lil brat started hitting him bc she didnt want him around! man, i dont know if im ready for that kind of temperment...then again, i am married to that kind of temperment...lol. they made up later tho....zak was riding his little four wheeler through the kitchen and caycee decided to grab onto the back of it. so when he started driving, she ran right behind him holding on tight...in her lil "old lady" nightgown, or so jayci calls it. nonetheless, it was so cute and quite funny.
i talked to justin today for about 40 minutes or so. it was a good conversation. i can just hear in his voice everytime i talk to him how excited he is to get home. its still a few months away but he doesnt care...he's always so positive in everything he does...including this whole deployment. i never once heard him complain, or whine, or regret doing what he is doing and i admire that. it seems like i have a complaint every single day and i live a comfortable and wonderful life. and he is there in that extreme heat doing god knows what, without batting an eye....hence, why i never joined the military...just wouldnt last. i find myself living from phone call to phone call these days. it like recharges my batteries everytime he calls and it helps me get through the next few days. it was hard on fathers day and zaks birthday and all of that but i know it wasnt easy for him either. sometimes i have to remind myself of that!

INTRO

ON THE BOTTOM LEFT

IS MY HUSBAND AND I ON OUR WEDDING DAY. HE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL, AMAZING, AND CARING MAN I HAVE EVER HAD THE HONOR OF BEING AROUND. I STILL WAKE UP EVERY DAY AND CANT BELIEVE THAT I AM LUCKY ENOUGH THAT HE CHOSE ME TO LOVE. HE IS CURRENTLY IN IRAQ WITH THE MARINE CORPS. I CANT WAIT FOR HIM TO GET HOME TO ME AND MAKE ME COMPLETE AGAIN!

ON THE RIGHT IS OUR ADORABLE DAUGHTER CAYCEE KATHLEEN. SHE WILL BE ONE IN JULY. WHEN HER DADDY LEFT, SHE WAS BARELY TWO MONTHS OLD AND NOW SHE IS CRAWLING AND CLIMBING AND REALLY SHOWING HER "DADDY PERSONALITY" AS I LIKE TO CALL IT. HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS IN FOR WITH HER!

TOP LEFT WOULD BE MY LITTLE MAN, ZAKARY JOHN. HE JUST TURNED TWO LAST WEEK AND ITS KINDA SAD. HES NOT MY LITTLE BABY ANYMORE. BUT HE IS TALKING SO MUCH LATELY, AND IS JUST THIS AMAZING LITTLE BOY WHO BLOWS MY MIND EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I DECIDED I WOULD TRY THIS BLOGGING THING. MY MOM AND SISTER CURRENTLY HAVE PAGES SO I GUESS ITS WORTH A TRY. I LOVE TO WRITE BUT I JUST DONT HAVE THE TIME ANYMORE. THE ONLY TIME I REALLY DO IS WHEN THE KIDS ARE GONE FOR THE NIGHT. INSTEAD OF GOING OUT OR DOING SOMETHING EXCITING, I USE THAT TIME TO WRITE SOME NEW MATERIAL...I KNOW, BORING RIGHT? I WAS NEVER A BIG BLOGGER BUT I HAVE BEEN HAVING A ROUGH TIME LATELY SO I FIGURED WRITING THINGS OUT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE BENEFICIAL. MY ENTIRE LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS. MY HUSBAND WILL BE HOME MOST IMPORTANTLY AFTER BEING GONE FOR 7 MONTHS. I USED TO THINK THAT WHEN I GOT TO THIS POINT, I WOULD JUST BE ECSTATIC BUT THERES SO MUCH MORE TO IT, NOW THAT I AM HERE. I AM ECSTATIC DONT GET ME WRONG, BUT NERVOUS AS WELL. I KNOW IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE, BUT I HAVE BEEN BY MYSELF SINCE JANUARY, TAKING CARE OF THE KIDS AND DOING THINGS MY OWN WAY. NO JUSTIN IS BY NO MEANS THE PASSIVE TYPE...HE IS A POLICE OFFICER AND HAS THAT LOVABLE POLICE OFFICER PERSONALITY! LOL! I AM JUST NERVOUS THAT WE ARENT GOING TO BE THE SAME PEOPLE WE WERE BACK THEN AND IM NOT SURE HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT. THE OTHER ISSUE IS THAT WE ARE HAVING A HOUSE BUILT THAT WILL BE READY SHORTLY AFTER HE COMES HOME. I AM WORRIED ABOUT HIM BC THEY SAY HE NEEDS TIME TO GET BACK INTO HIS NORMAL LIFE AND MOVING ALL OF OUR BELONGINGS AND DEAL WITH ALL OF THAT STRESS DOESNT SEEM LIKE THE KIND OF DECOMPRESSING HE NEEDS. WE HAVE NEVER REALLY LIVED ON OWN TOGETHER AND DEFINETALY NOT SINCE THE KIDS WERE BORN SO ONE THING IS FOR SURE, I CANNOT WAIT TO START THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER AND RAISE OUR FAMILY IN OUR OWN HOUSE....GOD I CANT WAIT!

WELL ENOUGH OF MY COMPLAINING OR WHINING OR WHATEVER I CALL IT. I SHOULD TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP WHILE I CAN, NO KIDS TONIGHT. THEY ARE SPENDING SOME TIME WITH POPPA AND NANA.

UNTIL I KNEW YOU (FOR JUSTIN)

There was a time I didn't know happiness.
The kind that makes you smile for no reason.
The kind that makes you giddy with laughter.
The kind that lasts with you for weeks.
I never knew happiness until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know love.
The kind that makes you feel complete.
The kind that fills your heart.
The kind that lasts a lifetime.
I never knew love until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know devotion.
The kind that comes from looking into the eyes of a baby.
The kind that makes you feel what they are feeling.
The kind that holds your heart as tight as they hold your finger.
I never knew devotion until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know loneliness.
The kind that makes you want to pull the covers over your head.
The kind that makes your body ache with saddness.
The kind that no words or advice can take away.
I never knew loneliness until I knew you.
There was a time I didn't know determination.
The kind that makes you stand up and do what is right.
The kind that sends you to foreign places and risk your life.
The kind that keeps you going strong when you want to fall apart.
I never knew determination until I knew you.
There was time I didn't know fear.
The kind that you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy.
The kind that keeps you up at night.
The kind that makes you want to remember every last detail.
I never knew fear until I knew you.
There was a time I barely glanced at the American flag.
Never asked myself if a man in uniform was somebody's dad.
Never stopped dead in my tracks when I heard the national anthem.
Never though thinking about our country could make me cry,
Of course until I knew you, I never truly understood pride.

DAYNA LYNNE BROWN