im back

just random pics of my babies

well i took a few days off from writing bc i just wasnt myself. i still dont feel exactly right but i have to snap myself out of what ever is going on. these past few days have been so hard on me and i dont even have a real reason. i know that i am so completely fed up with this deployment...just done. its been too damn long and its taking its toll on me. he moved again and i guess i just have a problem with change, i always have....and i dont like that i dont know what hes doing or where he is and all that. we got into yet another argument bc he thinks i dont trust him and his abilities and i just cant get it into his thick skull. i dont doubt him in the least, i just dont trust the bad guys or the ieds. i read last night that three marines were killed in the anbar providence and asked him about it. i was afraid to bc of the conversation earlier but he was really sweet and took the time to answer every question i had. and he promised me, that he is nowhere near any of that....the article i read said that violence is spiking bc there is world that we are pulling out and that worries me. if the insurgents know we are pulling out, then of course they are going to start their crap again. and what happens our guys that are still there? no they are undermanned and trying to fight? i guess i just dont understand all of the deeper issues of this war but what i do understand is that my husband and every other american over there, are truly heroes and i will remind him of that for the rest of my life. so basically, i am feeling slightly better about him...hes only got a few weeks left of operation and they are dragging, at least for me. ugh! my other issue is the current living situation....i just dont even know my own family anymore and this house just isnt my home anymore. i have never felt unwelcome in my home before in my entire life until these past few months. could i go somewhere else? yes of course, but its not about me anymore. its about the kids and wahts best for them and i dont have a clue. do i uproot them and shuffle them around right before we move for good? or do i leave them here in this unstable environment? i just dont know....and thats a big problem for me. i feel helpless when it comes to them and i should know what to do and what is right for them and i dont. i just dont. things here have calmed down in the last day or two but who knows how long it will last...there is always a lull before the storm....so we will see. i just dont know how much more i can take. and then theres my hip....god, i know it is only minimal pain compared to what so many other people go thru, but wow....i have never felt pain like this, ever....and ive broken a lot of things before. when i was first diagnosed in january, it hurt but it wasnt that bad. and then the shots started and i dont know if they masked the pain or what. it never went away but they certainly helped. my last shot was may 15th and lately, i am in severe pain. i cant sit on the floor for too long, i can barely make it up the stairs without holding on to something, i cant drive for too long, it just aches when i try to sleep, and what hurts the most is that i cant even run and play with my kids. of course i try my best, but then i pay for it later. and justin always asks how it is doing and i have to lie....i am so scared that if he knew how much pain i was in that he wuoldnt want me to get pregnant again and im not ready to accept that yet. yes i have two gorgeous babies and yes i know how lucky i am but i wuoldnt feel complete stopping there. it sounds selfish i know, but its just wats in my heart. i go back to the doc on the 16th so we will see what he says. so all of these things combined have been playing with my head lately. i felt like i did when i was diagnosed with post partum depression. only now i beliegve that i never had post partum nething, just plain depression. there is a history in my family so i know the chance is there but i just didnt feel right. not sleepin, not eating, cryin out of nowhere, i get lost in my own thoughts, avoid contact with people, ya know...everything that is stated on those commercials. so i decided to go talk to the doctor before anyhint got out of my control and someone very close to me put an end to that thought...."you dont need a doctor, you dont need medicine, you need to be stronger, get a grip...." and plenty more. so for the moment, i did just that. i sucked it up and pushed it aside and i only hope this all stays where i put it for a very long time. but we will see. i am trying to stay as postitive as i can so i can get thru the next few weeks.
on a happy note, i bought the kids a book today about daddies. its a popup book and it describes all the things daddies can do. i read it to them once and zak just loved it. the last page says "goodnight daddy" and when we get to that page, he says ni ni dada....theres also a page that says "daddies go to work" and then the door pops out and it says "but hug u when u get home" and zak said, "dada home, dada home, i hold dada." god when does this get easier??? but my point was that he made me read that book at least 15 times before he would take a bath. and then 5 more times before bed...and yes, the book is now sleeping safely right next to him and his daddy pillow. god i love that kid and he loves his father.

on another note, can anyone tell me why bad things keep happening to good people???? when is enough, enough???!!! anyone.......ah, i didnt think so. well, you know who you are and please, if there is anything i can do, let me know. and know i love you so much