scared

today i apparently let my mind get the best of me. i woke up and had no cable or internet and refused to watch blues clues dvds all day so i figured id take the kids and go somewhere. i contemplated a few places and finally decided on the little red schoolhouse. zak went with nana and papa and i heard he liked it so i thought it would be fun. so i got ready and remembered that i had this lil mole start bleeding in the shower yesterday and that i forgot to ask my mom about it. her immediate response was that it was a sign of skin cancer and i should call my gramma bc she had skin cancer twice so she would know. and she confirmed it, told me to call the doctor asap. so i call the doctor in between the trembles only to find that they are closed til monday..so who knows when i will actually even get an appointment. i hate that doctor. they are never open and when they are its like whatever 3 days a week they think they should be open. damn hmo insurance! but thats a whole nother issue in itself. so basically i spent the day frozen in my head and did absolutely nothing. the kids and i played in the backyard and stuff but im sure they could tell that i wasnt all there. i did talk to justin online and explained everything. he was less than compassionate at first, said i was getting overworked just like my mom and gramma do about everything and all that and he was right. its just something else that i really need him home for. why is it that you never realize how much you need someone around until they are gone??? and then he said he had a few moles do that and he is still alive and that people dont get cancer who are my age unless they are exposed to "weird shit". hes so funny....i know he was trying to help but come on babe, anyone at any age can get cancer!! but i have calmed down slightly over the last few hours and realize that making myself sick about it isnt going to solve anything. my sister said i might have just scratched it and not even known it or something so who knows....cancer is just one of my biggest fears, always has been...actually i think on a higher level, its just dying in general. ive always been terrified. i used to stay away all night long when i was little bc i was afraid for some reason i wasnt going to wake up. my parents had plenty of sleepness nights with me thats for sure. and then when my grandpa died and i saw how sad everyone was it scared me even more. im not afraid of the dying, its the leaving and not seeing the people i love anymore. and it only gets worse after you have kids....i cant imagine ever leaving them. just like any mother, i want to watch them get older and be there for all of their milestones and all that....its not a religion thing or what i believe in bc i honestly dont know. do i believe there is a heaven? yes...do i believe u are reunited with those who went before you?....yes....but do i believe that you can look down and watch out for those still here?....not really sure on that one....and thats what scares me, not being able to see justin or the kids and hold them in my arms every day....so people may think i am overreacting on this whole thing but whenever you hear the word cancer, you cringe a little bit. and me being a complete pessimist, i get worked up. anyways, i will find out next week sometime i guess.
on a happier note, kids were good today. we played in the yard where caycee fell off the slide yet again....didnt cry this time tho....guess shes just used to the landing! although she did cry when zak ran her over with his little tikes car. granted i caught her before he really even touched her so i think she was more mad than hurt....she wants that car so bad, but only when he is in it!! so i distracted her with a popsicle which i think are her favorite things on earth and she was fine. shes so funny. i sit on the couch and she stands there holding onto the couch, with her mouth open the whole time until i give her some. then as soon thats gone, the mouth opens right away again!!! i did however have quite a scare with her today in the tub. zak was on the potty and i turned to look at him for a split second, i swear. caycee must have stood herself up and fallen all in that slpit second. she likes to try to drink out of the faucet so when she went down, she must have had her mouth near the faucet bc the inside of her mouth started gushing blood...i mean nonstop, even zak got scared. shes STILL got no teeth so i knew she didnt break one of those but i couldnt see where it was coming from. i panicked for only the 2nd time as a mother, ever. i was so scared and screamed for my mom. (yes i still need my mom apparently) and she helped me out. it turned out she was fine. it looks like she cut the inside of her upper lip in the corner a lil bit. the bleedding stopped shortly after and fat lip and all, she stayed in the tub until even after i drained all the water....shes a trooper...daddys girl!
things around here are....well i am just at a loss for words. all i can really say is i cant wait for sept to come so i can get the hell out. i am just so tired of this house, the people in the house, the things that go on in this house, just everything,.....i dont deserve this life and my kids def dont deserve this life. i am giong to be a completely different person once justin and the kids and i are in our own house, doing things are own way, and taking care of our kids the way they should be taken care of. but thats all my complaining for now, just wont solve anytihng i guess and i only get more upset when i think about it. tomorrow we are going to the camper to get out and basically clear my mind...there might be a move coming to someones house, and you know who you are!!!!